September 7, 2009
1. Catch and release fishing. Ummm ok. I think I’ll just go out here and stick a hook in a fish just for the fun of it. But I won’t actually catch the fish for any real reason other than I want to feel like I can fish really well. I’ll let them all go after I catch them so that I can feel like I’m not a greedy bitch. It will make me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that I let a fish lunge for food and BAM, it now has what amounts to a grappling hook gouged through its facial structure. Never fear though little fishie. After I’m done yanking it out of your flesh while you gasp for air, I’ll turn you loose and you’ll be just fine. WTF?
2.Three Minute Long Chantix Commercials. Holy Mother Of God! These things last for EVER! I timed the second one I saw, mainly because after the first one came on I went to the kitchen, got a cup of java, a lil scooby snack, checked the clothes in the dryer, and came back only to find the commercial STILL PLAYING!!??!! What the hell did it cost to put those little devils on there for three solid minutes? The idea of the price for that is staggering. I hope they get their money’s worth. If irritation was money they’d be rich off of me already.
3. Social Kissing. Ew. I just don’t get it. With all the germophobia going around, why would having someone rubbing their lips all over your face be a good idea? I’d prefer someone grab my ass to having acquaintances rubbing their face around my face. Having been a bartender for eleven years, I KNOW where some of those lips have been and I’m telling you I do NOT want them anywhere near my mouth! Just, ick!
4. Michael Jackson’s Two Month Long Wait For Burial. Now, don’t get me wrong. I think that white people (yes I’m one of them) are way too quick to put their dead in the ground. Personally I would prefer to have a little bit of time to get used to the idea that I won’t ever be able to lay eyes on my loved one again. However, two months seems to be pushing it a little. Where on earth was he for all that time? Exactly where does one store the dead if you wait two months to bury them? Do you have pay rent? Are there utilities? Too many questions. And to be honest I don’t really care enough to find out the answers. Just don’t wait two months, okay?
5. Monetary Compensation For Breaking News Tips. That’s just gruesome! Stop it. It’s like getting paid to be one of those people who wave lanterns at runaway trains. It’s getting monetary gain for someone else’s misfortune. Cut it out. Your momma probably didn’t raise you like that.
6. Teenagers. Yeah, you know. Nuff said.
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Posted by thought4food
March 18, 2009
Okay, this is going to sound soooo strange but I think my two outside dogs have stolen some puppies. My Dearest Husband and I went to the elementary school today to eat lunch with Princess Bella. And let me just say……they have rockin lunch! Anyway, when we came back to the house all of our inside dogs, who we had left outside to enjoy the beautiful weather, were going insane. They were so discombobulated that they didn’t know whether to wind their watch or scratch their ass! They were jumping, whining, barking, and just generally milling about in high lather.
I didn’t immediately get it because the inside dogs are insane most of the time anyway. They are small dogs to begin with, then you have to take into account that they were raised with The Buddha and Princess Bella as daily companions. Add to that the fact that they spend an inordinate amount of time alone with me and you have the consummate recipe for insanity in all small animals.
However, it did seem odd that outside dogs were totally calm. They had that suspiciously innocent look on their faces, like…..Whatever could be wrong with them???? That gave me a hinky feeling right there.
As we’re walking up the walk the little dogs fly into the bushes in the front flower garden. We looked to see what it was and I was stunned. There, all curled up and wide eyed with fear, were two of the cutest little puppies! Normally this wouldn’t have hit me like a sledgehammer, however, we just got rid of fifteen puppies and now here are two more!
It’s like the canine version of Groundhog Day. I can’t get out of this nightmare. Every time I think I’m done with the puppy thang, I end up with more of them. None of this is helped by the fact that Ditto is now hugely pregnant. *sigh*
I have to add here that this reminds me of my life in general. Every time I get done raising a child to an acceptable age, I get more of them! WTF???
But, back to the alleged theft……Jeremiah and Sugar Plum(the outside dogs) are still all calm and serene. They are NEVER calm and serene. And here is something even more suspicious……We put all the dogs in the house so that I could get a better look at the new arrivals. While I was outside trying to coax the puppies out of the bushes, Jeremiah was in the house acting out the fact that he didn’t want me out there alone with his new acquisitions!
He stood at the door whining and barking. Then he ran to MDH and looked at him. Then back to the door. Then he stood up on his hind legs and watched me out the window. Then he ran back and put his head in MDH’s lap, ran to the door again and looked pointedly back at him. Needless to say, he was NOT happy.
It is my theory that he was worried that I would take those two puppies and not bring them home just like I did the other fifteen. This in turn leads me to believe that he and Sugar Plum, who had been licking, grooming, playing with, and generally taking care of the puppies while I tried to get them out of the bushes, know what is going on here. I further believe that they went out and found them a couple of pets of their own.
All I can do is hope that I don’t get a visit from the law wanting to know if my typewriter matches the one that the ransom note was typed on. *gulp* God forbid they come up with a paw print match from the FBI. Or a DNA match on the paper that the ransom note was written on. Or worse yet, that we will never find the rightful owners of the two alleged puppies and have to try to find new homes for them too!
Until then, Jeremiah and Sugar Plum are going to be feeding, walking and pooper scooping. And I’m not taking no for an answer either!
4 Comments | Animals, Crack house humor, Funny, Humor, humour | Permalink
Posted by thought4food
May 29, 2008
Rachael Ray might look all sweet and innocent, but she has the heart of a natural born killer!
She has wiped out most of my favorite fried foods single handed and never batted one of her cute little eyelashes! All of my fatty foods? Gone like they never existed. *sniff* All because of her! Rachael Ray. That black hearted she-devil. Greasy cheese burgers, deep fried potatoes, fritters dripping in Crisco. Is that Taps I hear?
I bet she trained as a double agent at the CIA. Have you ever seen a Culinary Institute graduate wielding a filleting knife? It will make you shudder.
Just because her little scarf is paisley doesn’t mean she isn’t calling down jihad. I bet she’s got a spray bottle of EVO on her belt, concealed by that scarf. She probably skulks around roadside diners in the dead of night setting up grease traps. Oh GOD! The inhumanity!
That spicy little strumpet IS a terrorist…….a FOOD terrorist. And don’t you forget it!
P.S. Dunkin Donuts…..grow at least one functioning brain cell and give it to someone in your public relations department please. They seem to have misplaced the one they had.
1 Comment | Crack house humor, Crazy, Random, Seeing Red, Uncategorized | Tagged: Dunkin Donuts, Rachael Ray, scarf, terrorist | Permalink
Posted by thought4food
January 15, 2008
My kids tell me all kinds of stuff that’s new to me. Take for instance “Emo” kids. Emo? WTF is that? Someone who is always sad is the short explanation. Hmmm. I’d probably suck at that.
It would be just my luck that I would decide that it was my desire to make my mark in life by being an Emo girl. Then the very next day I would wake up all happy and shit! DAMMIT! Then I would have to shoot my dog just to get into the right mood for the day! Crap! How much work would that be? The PETA people would be all over me in no time!
Ok, how about going Goth? I could do that, right? I’ll go buy all black clothes, and white and black make up. I’ll never have any more wrinkles because I never have to have any more facial expressions. Of course, I’d screw up on laundry day trying to get a stain out and bleach my black goth clothes into some kind of wicked tie dyed horror, which would make me laugh so hard I cried and mess up my white caked on make up and run my black eyeliner. So, no goth for me either. *sigh*
Well, there’s always the Plastics. They’re the Uber Preps. They rule the school. They’re better than everyone. Everything they have, say, wear, eat, and do is better just because they have, say, wear, eat and do it. But dear GOD that is SO much work and I am ever so lazy at heart. Besides, my “Some call it stalking……I call it Love” Tee and blue jeans are my uniform. I will jump over 20 stylish outfits for 1 comfortable one every time. So, no Plastics for me either.
I just thank all the powers that be that I don’t have to make all those decisions anymore! I did my time baby! I paid my dues to that heartless crowd! I grew UP! I graduated high school! I’m outtie!
And I’m damn glad of it too, cuz to be completely honest, those guys scare me!
2 Comments | Blog, Crack house humor, Humor, humour, Kids, School, Teenagers | Tagged: Emo, goth, high school, Kids, middle school, plastics, preps, style | Permalink
Posted by thought4food
October 4, 2007
Life is perception. How we perceive an event is our reality of it. One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. What you perceive as meaningless, someone else might perceive as the most meaningful thing in their life. Pay attention to how those important to you perceive the events in your lives. It counts.
Inaction is an action all by itself. It indicates indifference on a massive scale.
Why in the hell would anyone in this country with even ONE functioning brain cell think that Hillary Clinton would make a good president? This is a woman whose self esteem is so low that she stayed with a man who cheated on her in front of the entire world on more than one occasion. This can only mean one thing: He will pay in front of the entire world, and he will pay big! So, let’s put her in the White House????? Is she planning on giving her VP a BJ on TV during a State of the Nation Address? (Do you think I used enough acronyms in that sentence?) Women who stick around after being treated that way have one thing in mind: revenge. If Bill is smart (I know, I know, but it’s only a figure of speech) he would do something searingly outrageous and destroy her chances. It might save his life. And speaking as a woman myself, I can tell you this: Hillary remembers every one of you who have screwed her over. You might not even be aware that you did. *see paragraph one* And you will not get away unscathed either. Kenneth Star, I’m especially talking to YOU! She will smile for the cameras while she is listening in her earpiece to them tell her that the “package” has been deposited. That will be you in the East River wearing a pair of cement overshoes, going to sleep with the fishes. But only after she has caused them to make you scream like a girl. Think about it guys. Women are by far more vicious than men will ever be. And we never forget a slight. We certainly never forgive one. Putting Hillary Clinton in the White House is like dressing up Brittney Spears and putting HER in the White House. Sounds good, don’t it?
I wonder if the people that Blackwater were hired to guard and protect in Iraq want them gone? I haven’t heard anyone ask them. I haven’t heard any of them say. I would love to hear the answer to those questions. I also wonder who it was that Blackwater had with them at the time of the last big incident that caused all this hooohaaa. I hate magicians because I feel like misdirection is inherently dishonest. So this last big deal over Blackwater makes me wonder who was there and why all the fingers are pointing in so many different directions, but no one is saying who was with them.
Why are children always at their most obnoxious when my head hurts?#$%^&*
What parents say and what kids hear are two completely different things. example: Me-“Hi Honey, how was your day?”
Them-“Why R U gettin all up in my KoolAid?” That wasn’t a good exchange at all was it? We had no exchange of information, no exchange of pleasantries at all. That’s because what they hear is not what we said.
Me-how was your day translation: What did you do that was wrong or that I’m going to get a call from your school about before the day is through?
No wonder the response is so vehement! I have no solution for this distortion as yet, however I am working on it and as soon as I perfect the formula, I will put it on a paid programming commercial at 4:45am and you too can have it for 6 easy payments of JUST $19.95 plus shipping and handling!
When we were kids our dad used to wake us up every morning and whip us before he went to work. He did this because he knew that before he got home that night we would have done something to deserve it. He was right. I’m thinking about reviving that old tradition. Either that, or take up drinking. I’m not really sure which way I’m going to go yet. I’m leaning towards the whipping, but I’m not sure I could stand all that whining and crying. But after the first time or two, I’d probably cowboy up and stop doing that. On the other hand, drinking would be so much less work for me. *sigh* decisions, decisions
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Posted by thought4food
September 28, 2007
Don’t say yes if you mean no, then get all pissed off later.
If you have something to say, say it.
If you have nothing to say, say nothing.
If your significant other asks you a question, answer them as honestly as you can. Do NOT expect them to read your mind. That’s just stupid and unfair. If they could read your mind, they would have already got the Pick 6 number and you’d be filthy rich and boppin the pool boy/girl. Give them some information they can use. Play fair.
Keep in mind that it is not being mean if you hang up on someone who has called YOU. Especially if you don’t know them.
When someone calls you and starts asking questions, your automatic response should NOT be to answer, but to start asking questions of your own.
example: Riiiiiiing. Hello.
Is Mr. Whoozit in?
No, may I take a message?
Who am I speaking to?
That’s not really your business. Who am I speaking to?
This is Mr. Soanso from Suchandsuch. Do you have a number where Mr. Whoozit can be reached in an emergency?
IS this an emergency? If you’ll give me your number I’ll get in touch with Mr. Whoozit and give it to him and I’m sure if it’s an emergency he’ll be sure to get back in touch with you as soon as humanly possible.
*SIGH* Nevermind, I’ll just try back later. CLICK!!!!
Seriously, it is NOT someone else’s place to be asking you questions on your phone and it is not rude, mean, or socially unacceptable to refuse to answer them.
Listen to your instincts. Human beings are still alive today because of them.
Pay attention. To Everything.
Be careful what you say. You can’t unring a bell, and you can’t unsay an unkind word or undo the hurt it causes.
Care.
Leave a Comment » | Blog, Blogging, Blogroll, Crack house humor, Daily Life, Divorce, Family, Friends, Friendship, Help, Home, life, Random, Rights, Self, Self awareness, Self realization, Thoughts, True Story, Uncategorized | Tagged: phone, rude, socially acceptable, stupid, telephone | Permalink
Posted by thought4food
September 28, 2007
Our oldest daughter came home yesterday. It’s been three years since I’ve laid eyes on her. My heart has seen her twenty-four/seven but my eyes have hungered for her non-stop. Going long periods of time between physically seeing her is normal. She is a natural born gypsy. She comes by that honestly.
I never seem to be prepared for just how overwhelmingly happy I am to see her. I kept poking her on the arm. She kept looking at me. Finally, the last time I did it she said, “Believe I’m really here yet?” There seems to be a Birdie shaped hole in my being when she isn’t with me that immediately fills up when she comes home.
It’s like that with all my family and to a lesser degree with my friends. I’m like a puzzle. I’m this huge picture. I know what it is, I know what it looks like. But I’m only really complete and the whole big picture when everyone is together. I almost had it this Labor Day.
Labor Day marked the one year anniversary since the house burned down. All in all things have progressed fairly splendidly since then. We moved into what seems to us to be the perfect house in which to finish raising the kids, finish growing old, hobble around awhile, become a burden to said kids, make them change our diapers just like we did theirs, and eventually be remanded to an old folks home, there to linger and molder away, forgotten and neglected while the aforementioned kids are happily enjoying the life of Riley back at the old homestead. So we decided it was time to conduct a good ol fashioned throw-down.
The icing on the cake was that my mom (you remember her, I am now the proud owner of her hands) and my brothers and my sister(in law) and my niece(my GOD I love that kid) all came up from good ol FLA to attend! AND My Dearest Husband’s Grandma came from 250 miles away along with his mom. Most of our closest friends were able to attend. The few that weren’t were in our thoughts. Our new neighbors were here. We had just the best time ever! The best count we could get was approximately 47 people. Not bad.
The kids all played and didn’t fuss and fight. The grownups all played and didn’t fuss and fight. Even I was nice! (I think) It lasted from around noon until way, way late. Actually it lasted until way early the next day. We had two chefs that cooked on the grill for us. OMG They ruled! My Dearest Husband’s Aunt and Cousin brought some kick ass goodies. We cooked. I say “we” as if I actually helped any! LOL I didn’t! Don’t let me fool you. I was absolutely NO help of any kind at all. My help consisted of staying out of the way and trying not to talk too much. Because by the day of the party I had been off my meds for a fair amount of days ( another story for another time) and I was having major difficulties even saying words. Mostly I just wandered around aimlessly. But at least I wasn’t destructive. That in itself was helpful.
The bros and the hubbie knocked out a couple horse shoe pits and everyone threw some shoes. Down here in Carolina you ain’t had a party if you haven’t threw the shoes. After everyone left, my little brother, Pony, got out my guitar and he and my older brother, Pork Chop, and I sat out on the front porch and sang all the old songs while the dogs lay around under our feet. Pork Chop said it was like being in Mayberry.
The puzzle was mostly put together that day. Only a few missing pieces. It was good to have everyone here. It’s been awhile since we’ve been able to do that.
Big party, lots of people, food, beer, family, friends, no bloodshed = success.
*sigh* (insert big sappy grin) I love reunions.
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Posted by thought4food
September 22, 2007
Okay, that’s it for the sappy emotion.
I’ve moved. I’m now living in a house on top of a hill. It’s harder than I thought it would be, this not being a slob and all. When you have a nice house you sorta feel like you should keep it nice. My own expectations are exhausting me.
But it’s all bright and white and neat and shit. And it’s out in the open and the sun shines on me all the time. Except when the sun doesn’t shine on me. Then it’s only partly light. Or else it’s dark. That happens at some point every day. Go figger. Still, it’s very……(I’m searching for an appropriate word here)…..happifying! That’s a word, right?
I’ve started walking in the mornings after I put Miss Bella and His Highness the Buddha on the bus for school. *giggle* School. I love school. Anyway, I’ve been trying to get some exercise. It seems to be working pretty well. If you don’t count the fact that for the past 3 or 4 days I haven’t really been able to walk. My hip ballooned up and my jaw on the same side did the same thing. I had a tooth cut out there recently. Seriously, you’ve missed a lot. But I seem to be um, infected. EW! I KNOW! It’s all gross sounding to me too.
I’m thinking that I might just be allergic to all that healthy crap. Honest. See, I wasn’t brought up that way. We were brought up to be filthy dirty little heathens! That’s right, Mom! I’m tellin all the family secrets right here! We didn’t use hand sanitizer! We drank sodas ALL THE TIME! We ate the fat on our meat! OH YES WE DID! We ate bacon OFTEN! I SMOKE! We drank! And…..you might want to sit down for this one….sometimes we still do! We used copious amounts of salt on our food. We played in dirt. We played with our friends when they had colds. We did not know our physicians and their office personnel on a first name basis because we went so often. As a matter of fact, we went to the doctor’s office so seldom, that a visit there frightened us to bits! Uh huh that’s right.
I had my first X-ray when I was 14 years old! And I was so terrified that I thought I would puke! I have had many broken bones that were not set. I have had broken bones that I never went to the doctor for at all. We ate burgers from Louie’s! We followed the 5 second rule. We drank from water fountains, not water bottles. Sometimes we drank from water hoses too. If our ice cream fell out of the cone, we picked it up, scraped off whatever trash we could see, and plopped that bad boy back on the cone and ate away! No sense wasting the perfectly good part of a cone over a little bit of trash! Sheesh!
We ate food handled by people who never wore gloves except in the winter when it was really really cold. But never when they were touching our food. We sometimes faked washing our hands before we ate. We walked barefoot from the first snow until the first thaw. And truth be told, if it wasn’t for caffeine and nicotine I would be in a coma.
But until I started trying to be more “healthy” I was in fact healthy as the proverbial horse. The healthier I tried to live, the unhealthier I became.
I developed……….(insert doomsday music here) MS. My theory is this. As I started to live a more healthy lifestyle, my hyped up immune system had less and less legitimate work to do. Being an honest hard working system, it couldn’t bring itself to just lay around and do nothing. So it decided to attack something, anything. Knowing me like it did, it had a meeting and came to the conclusion that it would attack the most useless part of me……my brain. (wink) So it rolled on up in there and went to work.
But, being MY immune system, it couldn’t just attack like normal. Oh no! It had to do it in a bizarre fashion. So it went for my cognitive centers. My memory centers and pathways. Smart-ass immune system. On the other hand, it sometimes goes after me in the normal ways too.
As a result of all this I have decided to go back to my unhealthy ways. I’m back to eating the fat on my meat. I’m gonna go barefoot in the summer until it’s just too darn cold to do it anymore. I’m drinking water out of the faucet and if I’m in the yard I’m drinking it out of the hose. Maybe I won’t eat the ice cream off the ground though. I mean, I am almost 50, after all.
Do you see what happens when I’m away too long? I babble. I start on one topic and end on something not even remotely related. But I have this really cool built in excuse. I have drain bamage. Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talkin bout! *sigh* Unfortunately, everyone I know, knows better. *giggle* Oh well, it was a nice try.
But it’s good to be back. I’ll fill you in on what you missed later. Not allof it. Don’t be so nosey! Sheesh!
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Posted by thought4food
July 11, 2007
Global Warming Sucks.
What’s UP with the people in the van in Texas who gave the little girl X, then put a video of her tripping on the internet? It takes a special kind of stupid to do that! But it is more and more common to find video of idiots doing idiotic things on the net, isn’t it? Sad, sad, sad. On the other hand it makes the job of law enforcement so much easier doesn’t it? And it was ever so helpful of them to include the Christian radio call letters, too! Kinda made me want to spit up on that one. Criminy!?@#
Nancy Grace cracks me up every time! She’s a spunky little broad, that one.
Pedophiles should get an automatic death sentence. No parole, no second chance, no life sentence, no nothing. They are unable to be rehabilitated by their own admission as well as statistically, not to mention by proof of all the previous sex offenders who are out there offending again. We don’t have to go into all the names. You know them. Automatic death sentence. Just add water and Poof! Problem solved.
What is the matter with Robert Kennedy Jr.’s voice, anyway? Dude always sounds like he’s about to cry or hack up a lung or something. Ick.
Those dang ol Lowes stores have way too much cool stuff for your house. I get all discombobulated in there. I get way too many ideas in my head at one time. My ADHD gets all hyped up and it kick starts my MS and that aggravates my ectopic cerebellar tonsils which leads me to suddenly go stupid. I went in there with My Dearest Husband to get a hook to hang up a wooden thingie with our name on it, on the front of our house. This is going to take the place of him pissing off the back porch. *wink* So, since we’re there, I take Bella and go look for some pretty Portulaca’s to hang on the front porch, you know, to accentuate the wooden name plate. On our way to meet up with My Dearest Husband, we pass a really cool garden tub, which would fit perfectly in the bathroom. But, hey! Look! There are the perfect shelves right over there that we need to put in Bella’s closet to kinda keep her overflow of stuffcrapjunkpaperscrapsbitspuffswhispswhatsitswhositsyouknowwhatsthingies in check. And….right over there is a great deal on a counter top that someone special ordered and returned that would fit perfectly in the new kitchen! Woo Hoo! Whoa! Lookit that! It’s that great chalkboard paint that I wanted for the kids rooms! How cool would it be for me to paint their walls so that they COULD write on em? Eh? I’d be the coolest, right? Oh no it isn’t! Yes it is! It’s erasable marker paint! Holy Crap! AND Magnetic paint too! OMG! I’m gonna be the best mom in town! Hmmm I’m starting to feel kinda dizzy. I hate checkerboard floors. My heart is beating really really fast now. How come everything seems to be moving in and out like a zoom lens is on my eyes? Ok, time to go. What? Oh, no, I don’t want to buy anything. I just wanna go home. Suddenly I don’t feel so good. Dang ol Lowes store.
Iced Tiger Spiced Chai is the best drink in the world when it’s hot outside.
You should always marry your best friend. However, if your best friend is the same sex as you and you are heterosexual, disregard this advice. Also, if your best friend is of the opposite sex, and you are gay, disregard this advice. Otherwise, take it. And if I forgot any other exceptions, use yer noggin and figure them out. I have brain damage, don’t let me do your thinking for you!
I’m sleepy and I’m going to bed.
Oh! And I’m sending His Highness the Buddha and Miss Bella back to day camp for the rest of the week. It’s only three days but by golly I’ll take what I can get! I’m giddy with anticipation! Be happy for me!
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Posted by thought4food
July 9, 2007
Yes, thaaaaat’s right. School is STILL out. DAMN SCHOOL! These kids are driving me crazy!
Typical Day
Where are all the popcicles?????
Yall ate 43 of them yesterday. They’re gone.
I didn’t eat them! HE/SHE ate them! (various amounts of violent discord ensues)
That is what they’re there for, you both ate them. Now go play.
Pig!
Hog! (more discord)
Cut that out and go play before I send you to your rooms. (riiiiight! then they will be locked up in here with ME! Fat chance! )
Well when are we going to get some more popcicles? We need some more popcicles. It’s hot, we need popcicles!
tick tick tick hours pass with the incessant questions of popcicles. Finally I cave. We go get popcicles.
Are they frozen yet? No Are they frozen yet? No Are they frozen yet? NO Are they frozen yet? NONONO Are they frozen yet?
*sigh* Yes, thank all the Gods in the Universe! They are frozen!!!!!!!!!!! Hello? Where are you? The popcicles are frozen! Ya want one?
(In unison with a nice four part harmony..) No, I’m tired of popcicles. Do we have any ice cream? *SOB*
Does anyone know when school starts again? Haven’t they been out for a really long time? It starts again soon, right? RIGHT??????????????
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Posted by thought4food
Thought For Food 