Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch

January 25, 2008

So, thanks to you all for my 15 minutes of fame.  It’s been heady stuff.  Now I’ll be all into the news looking for some more famous mysteries to solve.  I’ll have to get a Sherlock Holmes hat (I look really good in a hat), one of those ever so cool curvy pipes, and start talking all intelligent and stuff.  It’ll be great.

Then we’ll all sit around here talking about what’s not right with the latest case in the news.  We’ll sip brandy or sherry or port or whatever it is that mystery solvers sip while mystery solving.  We’ll smoke our pipes……….or we’ll light them and then let them go out and light them again which is what it seems to me that pipe smokers do.  Do we need smoking jackets?  Do they even make those anymore?  Yall rich folks can let me know this one.  What are smoking jackets for, anyway?  I never really understood the purpose of that particular garment.

I don’t have any wing-back chairs anymore.  I used to have one but it got burned up in the fire.  It would have been uncomfortable for more that a few of us to try to use it at one time anyway.  It was a fairly small wing back chair and a second hand one at that.  But it wasa wing-back so that counts. 

Maybe someone can invent a blowup wing-back for us.  Then it will be BYOWbC.  I think the blowup part would be implied.  We’ll solve the Black Dahlia case.  That should get us started out good.  Then we’ll be able to pick and choose our cases from there. 

I was listening to Starr Jones on truTV today, formerly known as Court TV, talking about a case in which two attorneys had a client whom they knew to be guilty of a murder.  Another man had been tried and convicted of that crime and was in prison for years on that conviction.  Due to the laws governing attorney/client confidentiality, they were not at liberty to say that this man was in fact NOT guilty of the crime he was in prison for.  The best they were allowed to do was secure from their guilty client a waiver saying that, in the event of his death, they had his permission to divulge his guilt of the murder and secure the release of the innocent man!  Their client eventually did die and they were allowed to release the information.  The innocent man is in the process of getting out of prison now. 

If the two attorneys had said anything at all about the innocent man being innocent before their client had died, they would have been disbarred and probably faced charges for it.  Isn’t that sad?  That doing the right thing to keep an innocent man out of jail would cost people their jobs and possibly send them to jail in the process?   Seems to me like they could have at least been released to say to the investigators or a judge or someone that the man being tried was not the man who committed the crime and that they needed to investigate further. 

However, I can see how that would be like telling on him.  It’s a catch 22 isn’t it?  I wouldn’t have wanted to be in the position of the two attorneys. 

Intyways, as The Buddha says, I just wanted to say thanks for the participation! 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch………

Rocky and I picked the heathens up from the bus stop the other day and took them with us to go shopping.  As we were riding back home we passed the house of one of Bella’s friends.  She calls out, “Hiiiiii Madison!!!!”   Rocky asks, “Does she live in the place with the lighthouse out front?”  Bella has her MP3 player in her ears and probably jacked up to the max, so she only hears part of what Rocky said.  Bella asks, “The lighthouse?” To which I answer, “Yes, the lighthouse out in the yard.”  Bella replies, “Um, NO, Gramma Toe, she doesn’t live in that little lighthouse, she lives in the great big house behind it!”  Then she proceeds to roll her eyes like Rocky has lost her ever lovin mind. 

Now, Rocky and I have possibly the lowest humor threshold on record.  We can be found laughing at almost anything.  The idea that Bella thought that WE thought that her friend was small enough to live in a decorative, four foot high light house that sits on the lawn just had us tickled to no end.  We giggled and snickered and laughed.  We couldn’t even look at each other for hours because every time we did we would collapse in giggles and we couldn’t function. 

And it didn’t help that earlier, after Bella had gotten off her bus but while we were waiting for The Buddha’s bus to get home, she had caught us with another unexpected visual. 

We have a little saying around here when someone passes gas:  Oops!  I stepped on a frog!  Over time we have expanded on this theme with: Oops!  I swallowed a frog!  for when someone burps. 

Well, the kids love this!  And of course being MY grand-kids, they just ain’t right to begin with, so they’ve thought about this a lot.  And Bella is a very visual child.  She comes by this honestly. 

So, we’re waiting for The Buddha’s bus to come rolling down the road and someone who shall remain nameless, but who isn’t me and isn’t Bella, burped.  Bella pipes up with, “Dang Gramma Toe!  That frog crawled right up your butt and out your mouth!”

Rocky couldn’t even catch her breath enough to laugh.  She just kept squeaking.  The impact kept hitting her in waves.  I was half falling out of the truck laughing my ever loving ass right the hell off.  Because all I could see was these two little frog legs just a wiggling, trying to get up in there so they could make that long journey in order to get out Rocky’s mouth.  I haven’t been brave enough to ask Rocky yet just what visual it brought to mind for her, but judging from those squeaks she was making, I can only guess.  I’m going to rest up real good before I ask her.  Maybe take some vitamins.  Because I’m going to get one hell of a workout laughing when she finally tells me.

2 Comments | Blog, Crazy, Crime, Daily Life, Funny, Kids, life, Random, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Permalink
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On Why I Couldn’t Be Emo

January 15, 2008

My kids tell me all kinds of stuff that’s new to me.  Take for instance “Emo” kids.  Emo?  WTF is that?  Someone who is always sad is the short explanation.  Hmmm.  I’d probably suck at that.

It would be just my luck that I would decide that it was my desire to make my mark in life by being an Emo girl.  Then the very next day I would wake up all happy and shit!  DAMMIT!  Then I would have to shoot my dog just to get into the right mood for the day!  Crap!  How much work would that be?  The PETA people would be all over me in no time!

Ok, how about going Goth?  I could do that, right?  I’ll go buy all black clothes, and white and black make up.  I’ll never have any more wrinkles because I never have to have any more facial expressions.  Of course, I’d screw up on laundry day trying to get a stain out and bleach my black goth clothes into some kind of wicked tie dyed horror, which would make me laugh so hard I cried and mess up my white caked on make up and run my black eyeliner.  So, no goth for me either.  *sigh*

Well, there’s always the Plastics.  They’re the Uber Preps.  They rule the school.  They’re better than everyone.  Everything they have, say, wear, eat, and do is better just because they have, say, wear, eat and do it.  But dear GOD that is SO much work and I am ever so lazy at heart.  Besides, my “Some call it stalking……I call it Love” Tee and blue jeans are my uniform.  I will jump over 20 stylish outfits for 1 comfortable one every time.  So, no Plastics for me either.

I just thank all the powers that be that I don’t have to make all those decisions anymore!  I did my time baby! I paid my dues to that heartless crowd!  I grew UP!   I graduated high school!  I’m outtie! 

And I’m damn glad of it too, cuz to be completely honest, those guys scare me!

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I Miss The Old Days

January 12, 2008

I miss the old days.  I mean back before everyone became numb-skulls. 

Back when you dealt with bullies by having someone bigger and/or meaner than them just beat their asses for them.  A nice big dose of whoop ass is a really good cure for the vast majority of that kind of crap.  The certain knowledge that what goes around comes around has stopped a good many mean ass kids in their tracks.

*SIGH*  Unfortunately, time marches on and those days are gone.  Now we have to be ever so careful how we handle these things.  We have to treat torturer and victim alike with kid gloves.  It’s my own personal opinion that that is a crock of shit.  I back this up with the recent rash of school shootings. 

I believe that if the victims of school yard bullies had just been able to beat the holy living shit out of the people who were victimizing them, the shootings would never have happened.  There are several reasons for this:  There is no shame is having your ass whipped in a fair fight, there is a definite release of pent up aggression when you’re allowed to fight, and you aren’t continually feeling victimized by both the person who is victimizing you as well as everyone who watches what he/she is doing and does nothing to stop it. 

As things go now, if you try to deal with a bully in that time honored fashion, you will be arrested, taken to jail, be booked, go to trial, and have a record.  This is all because someone else took it upon themselves to mentally, emotionally, and probably physically abuse you!  Something is drastically wrong with this picture.  This kind of abuse is an assault.  Just because it isn’t necessarily a physical assault makes no difference.  Physical wounds heal far faster than mental or emotional ones.

I think we should go back to the old days and old ways.  As a friend of mine used to say at the bar when people started scrapping:  If you don’t start no shit, there won’t be no shit.

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Random Thoughts On Greatness

January 7, 2008

I was writing at another site recently and one of the titles that caught my eye was along the lines of: How can you tell if you were meant for greatness?  That set me thinking.  As you might know, that can lead to all kinds of off the wall oddage.  However, on this occasion I don’t think that’s the case.  I happen to have a personal little idea about greatness. 

I think everyone has moments of greatness in their lives.  They might not ever even know they had it, but those moments can change the course of someone’s life for the better.  I’ve thought about this off and on for years and years.  It was an offhand comment that was made about me that started it all off.

When I was fourteen years old I was with a bunch of other people at my cousin’s house.  We were listening to the radio and singing along with all the songs.  One of the kids there with us was a boy who liked me.  I liked him too.  We hadn’t done or said anything about it yet, it was all shy looks at this point.  Being about the same age as I was, and shy, and stoopid as boys that age are, he was trying to think of something to say and he decided to go with teasing me.  So while I was singing along with my cousin he said something about me thinking I could sing. 

My throat immediately seized up and I couldn’t make another sound to save my life.  It would be ten years before I could sing in front of anyone again.  That one tiny little teasing comment changed me.  I allowed it to take away a major piece of my life for ten years.  It wasn’t meant to harm me, it wasn’t meant to cause me pain or discomfort.  He was only trying to get my attention. 

However, eventually, I began to think about how much power that one tiny little comment had.  I knew that things like that had happened to other people over and over everyday, all over the world.  The spoken word is an immensely powerful tool.  Used properly, it can lead one to instances of greatness. 

Accidental moments of greatness occur all of the time.  When someone says something nice or encouraging about someone else and it is passed on or overheard, that is an instance of greatness.  That one comment can change a life.  It can lead someone who might have given up, to begin all over again. 

But true greatness can come if this power is guided and used intentionally.  An overheard comment that isn’t said directly to someone had incredible potency.  This is probably because we feel that there is more honesty in something said about is to someone else than there is in something said about us to us.  So, an “accidentally” overheard praise about someone is doubled in force. 

I try to let my kids “accidentally overhear” me praising their good qualities as much as possible.  I like to say all of the good things I can about them when I know they are eavesdropping.  It’s good for them to hear good things being said about them outside of their presence.  Because they are so much more likely to believe it that way.  Besides, my kids are wonderful, and they will never believe me if I tell them that to their faces.  I’m never really sure why!

I brag on My Dearest Husband all of the time.  Mostly I do this because he’s absolutely hands down the coolest human being ever, but also because it’s good for him to overhear me saying good things about him too.  Because it’s human nature to be more likely to believe things not meant to be heard than it is to believe things said to your face.  That way he knows that I love him from what I say TO him and also from what I say ABOUT him to other people. 

I try to point out the good qualities I notice in my kids friends and acquaintances as well, because I know that kids tell everything.  Therefore anything I say about their friends will be repeated to them verbatim.  I tell them how one of their friends seems to be meant for the diplomatic corps because they seem to be able to get everyone to get along.  Or another seems to be the favorite of every animal that is within shouting distance, so they might be a vet one day.  It gives them something to think about, something to see in their future, something about themselves that is more than just a kid.  It gives them a glimpse of themselves as adults for just one brief moment.  As successful, respected adults.  It gives them something to shoot for.

I think people who help someone out of the goodness of their hearts with no expectation of return for their effort are an example of greatness.  I think people who can make you laugh when you feel like crap are an example of greatness.  I think people you can talk to when you need a place to dump all of your negativity are an example of greatness.  I think people who give you a shoulder to cry on are an example of greatness.  I think people who can spend time with you and make you feel comfortable with silence are an example of greatness. 

An offhand remark has enormous power to affect the lives of the people who hear them.  If you make the proper offhand remark at the proper time you just might be an example of greatness yourself.  You probably already have, whether you know it or not!  How cool is that?

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I Only Left Home For A Little While

December 19, 2007

Yesterday was one of those days that reach out of the nether regions of the cosmos and pinch you right on the butt when you’re raising kids.  The only thing I had to do was take His Highness The Buddha to his counseling session, pick up a few things from the grocery, then pop back home for the rest of the day.  Simple, right?  HA!  Not even a little bit.

It started out normally enough, but I had one extra thing to do……call and make an appointment for Princess Bella at the Doctor.  She got into an altercation during “Fun Friday” at school and had a sore wrist.  Now Bella is the ultimate drama queen.  You have to borrow a super mega mondo microscope from NASA to see most of the “savage” injuries that she gets.  When she comes into the house screaming about how she is bleeding to death I usually have to pull a tiny corner off of a paper towel to pretend to blot up the microscopic drop of blood off of the alleged cut.

However, since she has Medicaid and we answer to that higher power at all times, I decided to cover my proverbial and prodigious ass and take her to be examined.  To my surprise we were sent to have X-rays and she ended up with a broken wrist!  Exactly what she said she had!  Which she has reminded me of every half hour since, by the way.  Now she is sporting a jaunty little Carolina blue cast on her arm and garnering untold amounts of sympathy.  She’s in heaven!  I’m up shit creek for not believing her.  *sigh* 

The original counseling appointment was scheduled for 10:00 AM.  Bella’s first appointment was scheduled for noon.  And it proceeded from there.  By the time her little cast was put on and we had our instructions, it was after 5:00 PM.  I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel when The Buddha pipes up with………”Oh!  I forgot!  I have a band concert tonight at 6:30.  I need new dress pants because we aren’t allowed to wear jeans.”

When the cartoons show stars spinning in a circle around the cats head?  That comes from real life!  I saw stars.  I knew it was going to be a long, long time before I saw home.  We need sustenance, we need dress pants, we need children’s Motrin, we need to go to a band concert at school.  Also, I need a quiet place to have a small, quick little nervous breakdown.  We proceed to the nearest Chinese food buffet, speed eat, go speed shopping for dress pants, drive like we’re running through hell in gasoline britches to the school in order to get there on time, sit through a heavenly performance that was truly worth all of the hurry, then return home almost exactly twelve……thaaat’s right, twelve hours after we left.

I’m exhausted again just telling you about it.  In the process of all that, I wore a bra for twelve solid hours!  Do you have any idea how horrifying that is for a true child of the sixties and seventies????  The only reason I even OWN one now is that people gave them to me after the fire.  I was never so glad to get loose in my life! 

So, next time I leave the house for just a few minutes, I’m packing a survival kit.  It will include a good book, some of my favorite snacks, bottled water, help signs, a portable bed, some nice comfy jammies, my house, a coffee pot, my TV, a pillow, a blanket, my cell phone all charged up, my puppies, my fridge, the laundry, the washer and dryer, my computer, my favorite chair, My Dearest Husband, my mommie Rocky, Buddha, Bella, and some big fat fluffy socks.  I’m sure I forgot something that I’ll really need but that will do for a start.

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New Additions To The Collection

December 11, 2007

We have now added one new human and one new puppy to our collection of beings that we live with.  Our zoo gets bigger.  I’m totally happy about both additions. 

The first one you know about already.  It’s my mommy, Rocky.  <insert huge sappy grin here>  She seems to be settling in well and we’re having a great time burning up the roads and shopping and all that great stuff.  We have trashed a whole giant container of coffee so far this week and we’re making a whopping dent in the mail order coffee I’ve been storing up for months.  Honestly, I’m going to crash like a 747 eventually, but for the moment I’m having the time of my life!

The second addition is a bulldog/hound-dog mix.  It’s a big fat rolly polly little thing that is absolutely darlin to look at and it makes my uterous clench just to hold him.  He is satisfying all my maternal instincts at the moment.  I have to keep a minute by minute check on myself just to keep from going to get his two fat little sisters and bringing them home too.  That’s just what we need, two more dogs.  I’m fast becoming the crazy dog lady of the hill already. 

My Dearest Husband has declared this puppy HIS.  He named him Jeremiah Johnson.  Only MDH is allowed to feed and water him.  This is because the rest of us overwhelm all of the animals with our eternal presence and MDH is left out in the cold because he works at night and sleeps during the day.  This limits his ability to be around during the normal “playing with the animals” hours of the day.  Therefore, we are not allowed to associate with JJ unless it is in MDH’s presence. 

However, as I stated previously, MDH sleeps during the day. <insert evil grin here> That big fat rolly polly little baby needs things during the day sometimes!  I’m sure he does.  (looks all innocent and stuff)  He cries.  He’s a baby and he’s lonely.  If he doesn’t get some company he will fail to thrive.  This is not good.  Hence, for MDH’s sake and for the sake of MDH’s baby puppy, I make the huge sacrifice of spending a lil old bit of time with that fat baby for him.  I only do it because I love him.  I wouldn’t do that for just anyone!

His Highness The Buddha and Princess Bella have both gotten great grades on their report cards.  Or is it progress reports?  They send me too many grades home.  I can’t keep up with what is what.  And they feel compelled to change things too.  Used to be that you got letter grades.  A’s were good.  E’s were very bad.  Now S’s are good.  E’s can be good too.  Maybe E’s are bad, who knows?  All I know is that Princess Bella’s teacher was all smiles and all her grades were either S’s (I assumed from the smiles that these were good) and A’s.  And The Buddha’s name was in the newspaper for honor roll so I also assume that his grades were good, although I have no earthly idea how in hell he does it. 

I feel a party coming on.  Not for any reason really, just because I want one.  I think this one will be a hill party.  We have lots of kids up here now.  And my mommy is here to help me get it all ready.  

And OMG……I found two, count em, two grey hairs in my head!  They were really pretty ones.  Not all dirty grey, but white grey.  I kinda like em.  I liked them so much when I found them that I pulled them out and saved them in an envelope for all time.  I think I will leave the replacements there when they grow back in.  I’m fifty years old now, after all.  I guess it’s time for my hair to start getting a little grey in it. 

Once it goes good and grey, I’ll go ahead and lose some weight because I won’t need the fat to fluff out those pesky wrinkles around my eyes anymore.  And I’ll stop wearing my hair in a pony tail too.  It was time to stop doing that anyway.  I only did it because it pulled the wrinkles out of my face and I had so many of them that I was almost wearing my face in a pony tail with just a little bit of hair hanging of the bottom of it!  THAT was just getting creepy.

However, I have started to think that maybe I need to start wearing my rear end in pigtails. 

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And After I Regained Consciousness……..

November 29, 2007

Wednesday evening is Kid Nation night.  We try to watch that without fail.  It’s a good show that we can watch together as a family and the kids love to see other kids running a town on their own.  It’s a chance to hear how our children feel about what is being done in Bonanza City, what they would do differently, how they would handle different situations, and generally get inside their heads without having to ask all those pesky questions that seem to discombobulate them so badly.

During one commercial break there was a promo for the movie “The Golden Compass.”  I was telling My Dearest Husband that I had recently gotten an email stating the opinion that in this movie they were trying to kill God.  Princess Bella pops up with the following reply, “That’s stupid!  God’s already dead!  They can’t kill him if he’s already dead!  DUH!”

My head was swimming.  I got slightly dizzy with all the thoughts, fears, assumptions, and questions that were simultaneously vying for attention.  My delightfully reasonable reply to her statement was “Say what?”

“Oh yes!  You see when people start talking about God, I start listening!  I stop wiggling around, sit still with my hands in my lap and listen real careful when they start talking about God.”  I’m still waiting to hear the part where He’s dead.  It isn’t coming clear to me yet so, against my better judgement, I have to ask.  “Bella, what makes you think God is dead?”

(Long suffering sigh accompanied by rolling of the eyes)  “Because he is in Heaven.  You can’t get into Heaven unless you’re dead.  I heard this in church because I listen.  I pay attention.  Maybe if you went to church more and paid more attention YOU would know that God was already dead too, Gammie.”

I was at a total loss for words.  Her logic was stunning.  It didn’t faze her one bit to think that God was dead.  The fact that a dead God was in Heaven with all her dead loved ones, just waiting on her to get there one day was comforting for her.  It made perfect sense to her.

I’m sure we’ll discuss this more at a later date.  She will not suffer my ignorance for long.  In the meantime, I’ll have to talk to some of my friends with ministerial credentials, do some research,  knock back a few beers, and generally prepare myself for it.  Because to be completely honest with you, I’m not really sure I’m up for the task.  She might just take me down. 

In the realm that God inhabits, is there any difference between life and death?  For God they could just be a state of mind.  They could be different levels of thought, or place, or feeling.  Who knows?  I feel like I’m going into a battle of wits totally unarmed.  Maybe……..if she brings the subject up again I’ll just point up into the sky and shout, “LOOK!  It’s a flock of turtles!”  Then run away. 

That might work, right?

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Thoughts – November 19, 2007

November 19, 2007

Kids are so much more fun if the television is off.

Dogs are hilarious.  Probably because they don’t care if you see them licking their booty.  Dee Dee’s new trick is to chase Jackal and try to bite his “boys” while he’s running away.  I try to imagine Princess Bella doing this to His Highness The Buddha.  It cracks me up every time! 

It’s never good when I have too much time on my hands.

Every once in a while, it’s good to have ice cream for breakfast.

The kids and I go out to eat every so often.  It’s not a regular thing because I like to cook at home.  Fast food isn’t usually my thing, and besides, it’s special when we dogo out.  We always make a big deal about who’s turn it is to pick the place where we eat.  They keep track of who gets to pick the joint we’re eating at.  They like Mac’s and that insane Burger king dude.  I like places where they have real food and no slides.  So we usually compromise and go where they have overly colorful cartoon characters and playground equipment.  *sigh*  Well, you guessed it, tonight was my turn to choose.  🙂  And I wanted real food.  So of course we have our usual “Whine and Please” session. 

THEM:Pleeeeeease let’s go to McDonaldddddddds

ME:Nope!  My turn to pick and I pick NOT MacFood.

THEM:Pleeeeeease let’s go to McDonaldddddddds

ME:I Mac Don’t want to Mac go to Macs!  Besides, we can’t go there anyway. 

THEM:(huge surprised faces) why not?

ME:Because, Ronnie Mac got arrested.

THEM: But………Why?

ME: The fashion po po got him for wearing that awful crap he always has on.

THEM: YOU LIE!  You just don’t wanna go to McDonald’s!

ME: I can prove it!

THEM:Can not!

ME: Can too!

THEM: Prove it then!

And so I did.

macbusted.jpg
And so I happily took myself and two very subdued children to a sit down restaurant to have a very nice and civilized dinner tonight.  It didn’t hurt that when we passed McDonald’s they had it shut down for remodeling.  Had the yellow tape around the dining area.  Only the drive-thru was open.  (insert huge smart ass grin here)  Sometimes………it’s MY turn to pick the place!

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Various and Sundry Stuff

November 9, 2007

It’s after three AM and I just got done removing a dumb old Trojan virus from my computer!  I feel violated.  Like someone came into my house and went through my underwear drawer.  *shudder*  How creepy is that???  I’m not sure which is more creepy, having someone standing around snooping through your stuff firsthand or having them be so cowardly that they have to do it from some far off place through wires.  At least I have a fair chance of shooting their buns off if they are standing in my house.  Note to hackers….stop that.  It’s not nice.  Shame on you.

We went to school conferences for report cards.  Now I have to call my mom and apologize for having been a kid again!  Dang all the stuff I did and all my snotty attitudes are sure coming back on me now!  Bella got straight A’s again.  No surprise.  We aren’t counting conduct and social skills here kids.  We are only counting academics.  Bella shines like a super nova in the learning arena.  She intelligent in the extreme and it’s her area of expertise. 

Her ADHD prevents her from getting those nice A’s in conduct though.  Poor kid.  You can literally watch her lose all control of what she’s doing.  I used to have the smart-assed attitude that ADD was truly an attention deficit.  That if her parents just paid some attention to her, she would be fine.  Then she came to live with ME!  Boy did that attitude ever smack me in the butt!  I found out first hand what it was like.

I fought against medicating her for as long as I could.  I didn’t believe in doing it.  I thought it was a cop out.  I thought it was the lazy way to deal with an illness.  I was ate up with a superiority complex.  I got over that.  Poor little Bella would honestly run herself until she fell down from exhaustion.  She would go until she literally could NOT go any more.  Her body would give out. 

It was then that I decided that my high and mighty attitude needed an adjustment and we put her on the medication.  It was an absolute delight to see the difference it made in her.  She could sit down and read a book.  She could finish a sentence.  She could finish a thought.  She could sleep!  It was awesome!  And now she gets those marvelous A’s on her report cards.  Screw the conduct grades.  We’ll deal with those as best we can.  I just love to see the smile on her face when she sees all those A’s.  That means she has succeeded and Bella needs that.

The Buddha is on the A/B honor roll.  This surprises me not one bit.  He is capable of being on the A honor roll every single time.  However, he knows that he can do it and for him, that is enough.  He likes to hear his teachers and me talk about how smart he is and how capable he is.  It makes him feel good.  He likes us to all sit around together telling him how smart he is.  He will do his homework, he just won’t turn it in.  However, he does good enough on his tests that his GPA keeps him on the honor roll even though his report card grades can be C’s and D’s!  It makes my head spin! 

It’s that head spinning part that means I need to call my momma.  Because I remember having exactly the same attitude when I was his age.  I remember being just as capable and just as unwilling to put in the time and effort.  I remember my momma doing everything she could do to convince me that it was important and me thinking that it just really wasn’t.  I figured that as long as I understood the work, it didn’t matter if I turned in homework.  My test scores would be enough.  And I could pull a good test grade out of thin air.  I’m sure I was infuriating, because The Buddha can do that now and it infuriates me!  He can put in minimal effort and get the most amazing good grades for it!  I tell him that I would give him an F for it because I know he tossed it together like a five second salad.  He just laughs.

However, they both got the point, they are both smart kids, and I like to tell myself that I had something to do with that.  I got my mama’s smarts and passed them down.  Okay, so I borrowed them from someone else.  At least I passed them along.  And I didn’t turn out so bad.  I’ve never been to jail. 

I DID get arrested once.  It was really fun!  The deputy and I had a big laugh over the fact that my fingers were the smallest ones he had ever tried to finger print.  I had to roll them myself because I have freakishly small hands and he had big beefy fingers.  And I told them when they took my mug shot, that if I had known I was going to get my picture taken I would have had my hair done that day.  We laughed and joked and had a real good time.  They said they never had more fun arresting anyone before and I said that I never had more fun getting arrested.  They called me on that one though, because I had never been arrested before.  They told me that they were going to make copies of my mug shot because it was the only one they had ever seen with the person smiling so sweetly!  In my defense, I really like new experiences and that was my first time!

It did kinda make me sad though because it ruined my hopes of becoming a spy for the CIA.  They apologized for that.  All in all it was a very pleasant experience considering the fact that I was being arrested for assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill.  The strangest things can happen to you when you have teen-aged daughters!  Just so you know, it never made it to court.  It was tossed out as the ridiculous charge that it was before it ever got there.  However, you can go down to the sheriff’s department and look at the old mug shots and if you see someone smiling like they are having the time of their lives………that’s me!

That all happened about fourteen years ago, but those guys still wave at me when we pass on the street.  We laughed it up about it when I ran the pawn shop and they would come in.  I think I was their favorite “criminal”.  The funny thing was, we were out of town when they came to our house to arrest us, so we rode up to the sheriff’s department and turned ourselves in!  *sigh*  Good times, good times!

Leave a Comment » | Children, Family, Funny, Humor, humour, Kids | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by thought4food

Random Thoughts and Other Brain Junk

October 27, 2007

If I spend too much time on my own, I think.  This is never a good thing.  If you have ever read any of my blogs, you already know this.  If you haven’t, you might want to turn back now, for your own sanity.  This could get ugly. 

Don’t name your kid Robin Banks.  It could lead to trouble.  Along the same lines, if your last name is Clutter, best not to name your daughter Lotta.  Children are cruel. 

I have actually said this…….Stop throwing daddy’s underwear at your sister!

And this……..If you lock her in that cage and the neighbors have to get her out one more time!  grrrrrrr

And this……..No, honey, it’s really not ok if you hurt your brother when we get home.  I know, baby, I want to too.  But we can’t, no matter how much we want to.  (this is accompanied by snickers from the back seat)

I recently realized that I have the ability to become invisible!  That’s right!  And if you have teenaged children, you too can accomplish this amazing feat.  All you have to do is take them out in public, which they will beg and plead for you to do.  Immediately upon doing so, you will become……(insert drumroll here)…..INVISIBLE!!!!!  You will no longer be seen or heard until you again reach the confines of your home.  Incredible, right?  I thought so too.  (the invisibility cloak effect CAN be overcome if said teenager needs funds that only you can provide…..this is in fact a good time for YOU to teach them that THEY can also become invisible! *giggle*)

I sometimes like to wake the kids up by shaking them and pretending to talk while only moving my lips.  Freaks them out and makes them think they can’t hear.  (and I wonder why they hate me)

If I hate what my kids are wearing, I tell them that it’s the coolest outfit I’ve ever seen.  They will immediately go to their rooms and take it off.  I keep doing this until they put on something acceptable.  At that point I begin to grumble about it being inappropriate and how much I hate it.  It would take dynamite to get it off of them then.

White wheat bread rules.  Kids can’t tell the difference.  It’s my kind of sneaky.

Droughts suck.  Rain rules…..unless it rains too much…..then rain sucks.  It’s a thin line, ain’t it?

These words actually came out of my mouth and I wasn’t even drunk……….”It’s an ASH tray not a TRASH tray, put that hair on the floor where it belongs.  (………….ok, I was going to try but I have no excuse and no defense for this one except that it was a long time ago and I have brain damage) (wonders if the brain damage card will play this time)

I wonder about myself sometimes.  I really do.  I mean, near as I remember I wasn’t even sweeping or vaccuuming or anything when I said that last one!  I shock myself!  Good Lord I hope that was the worst thing I ever said like that, because I will tell on me in a heartbeat!  You see how I am!  I obviously have no shame!

Pick your battles. 

Sometimes, the ass whooping is worth it.  I learned this from my ex.  We went out to a honky tonk one night and he told me that I was cramping his style.  To which I replied, “You have no style.”  Sometimes, the ass whooping is worth it. *giggle*  I frame that look on his face in my imagination to this day.  (public service announcement: don’t live like that.  you already know better.  act on it.  “but I love him” is not an excuse   poison is poison and eventually it will kill you)

I want to raise chickens.  My Dearest Husband fears that if I do, he will come home one day to find me and the kids doing a chicken dance out in the back yard.  He’s probably right.  But that’s what he likes about me.  I ain’t normal. 

Why was Beaver and Wally’s last name Cleaver?  Kinda creepy, wasn’t it?

I wonder if Alfred Hitchcock ever got laid.  I mean, he was like beaucoup famous and rich.  But not really so very attractive.  But then, to a certain kind of person, money is a damn good lookin thang, right?  So he probably did.  EW!  Go away visual!  Go AWAY!!!!

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Posted by thought4food

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