May 8, 2007
It’s Buddha’s birthday today. He is twelve. Criminy, how did he get this age so fast? Have we changed kids to dog years now? He put us on a “money diet” about a month ago so we could prepare for this momentous day. Told us we had to “slim down our budget” so that he could get more presents. He’s a lil corker, that one. This has nothing to do with the title of this blog, I just had to toss that one in.
One of my kids will invariably come to me at least once a week (there are three of them, I think they draw straws and take turns at this) and say, “Ma, it hurts when I do this:” and then proceed to make some kind of unholy, improbable gyration. My response is always, “Where is my rubber chicken? Then don’t DO that!” And I make like I’m hitting them on the head with the invisible rubber chicken. Well…….(insert maniacal laugh here) I bought a ……wait for it…….RUBBER CHICKEN at Eckerd’s Drug Store on Sunday! That’s right, folks. I am now the proud owner of a brand new rubber chicken! Oh the joy I felt in my heart at the sight of that little ol box just chock full of rubber chickens! The heavens opened up, a beam of pure heavenly light fell upon it, and the choir of angels began to sing! A real live rubber chicken! In all my days I never thought to really own one of my own! I snatched that bad boy up before anyone could stop me and nearly ran to the checkout counter to pay for it. Then, I took it to My Dearest Husband’s cousin, Turtle Neck’s, birthday party. Heh.
Oh My God! If I had not been there myself, I would never have believed that it was possible to come up with three solid hours of cock jokes. But we did. Luckily we all have very low humor thresholds. Doesn’t matter what it is, we can find a way to laugh at it. (If you have a sensitive bone in your body it won’t be good for you to attend a family funeral with us.)
Every person there, adults and children alike, played with my cock. Technically it’s not a cock, but like I said, we have a low humor threshold. We choked the chicken. The kids tossed my cock around the yard. My Dearest Husband hit Possum’s friend Bubbles in the face with my cock.
Birdie, my only natural child and the mother of Buddha and Bella, was half mad at me and half jealous when I told her I had it. She said that her boyfriend is really afraid of looking forward to meeting me, because he wants to know where she gets her crazy unique way of looking at things. First thing she said when I told her I had it was this: Where’s my rubber chicken? Then don’t DO that!!! HAHAHA
It was almost as good as the time the Pillsbury Dough-boy died. Well, the voice of him did. We did jokes all damn day. We speculated all day about whether he committed suicide by sticking his head in the oven, or if he died of a yeast infection. We thought we should send flour to his family. We thought maybe we could bring about a miracle by putting him in a warm draft free place, placing a dishtowel over him, and seeing if maybe he would rise.
*sigh* Good times, Good times.
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Posted by thought4food
April 17, 2007
I suffer from a terrible, terrible disorder. It affects millions of people the world over. Sadly there is no cure. *sob*
This horrible malady causes a melting effect of the face that is frightening to little children and disheartening to the sufferers. It leaches all color out of the hair, and causes an extreme overgrowth of the skin that creates a sagging effect on the body of the afflicted.
Strange lines and grooves appear in the faces, hands, arms, even……yes, even the legs of these poor, poor individuals. Tiny dark spots show up out of nowhere. They bend over as if weighted down. Yet no weight shows up on any photograph or scientific test.
But the most debilitating of all of the symptoms of this terrible disease are the mental ones. Imagine putting on your glasses to hunt for your glasses because you can’t see to look for your glasses without your glasses on! Oh! How horrible!
Try, if you only can, to imagine burning the hair in your nose because you tried to light a cigarette that you forgot to put in your mouth! *gasp*
Sad……so sad. 😦
Imagine going to a fast food drive thru, taking your false teeth out and wrapping them in a napkin while you eat, then tossing them out with the trash. *sigh*
This malady is the scourge of millions worldwide. It has no cure. Send no money. There is nothing we can do but cry.
Youth Deficiency! Damn You! Damn You! Da Hey Look! I found my hair brush! I’ve been looking for that!………Uh…… What was I saying?
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Posted by thought4food
April 17, 2007
It amazes me that in the the most advanced time that we know of on this earth, in one of the most socially, economically, and scientifically advanced countries on this earth, we still can’t manage to keep our asses out of each other’s bedrooms!
Who cares if gay couples get married? How in the hell does that possibly have any contrary effect on heterosexual couples? And don’t come thumping any Bibles at me either. Let me just remind you that one of the main reasons this country was founded was the desire for religious freedom. That means that you don’t get to pound your mainstream Christian beliefs down my throat.
We no longer need to be fruitful and multiply. I think it’s pretty plain for anyone to see that the human race has gotten that one down pat. We might even be said to have been excessively successful at it. So, other than procreation, what is the problem?
Let’s just put it bluntly. Because heterosexuals are in the majority, we can just refuse to allow anyone in a minority the same rights and protections as us because they are different. I thought we took care of that kind of idiotic thinking with the civil rights movement. I guess not quite.
It’s funny….I notice that when children are young, you have to point out to them the same lesson over and over. They don’t have the ability to apply a lesson learned in one situation to a slightly different situation. It takes a little bit of maturity and a little bit of intelligence for them to get the hang of it. Sadly it seems that we haven’t reached that point as a country yet.
Aside from the fact that I just don’t feel like someone else’s sexuality is my business, the problem I most have with the national feeling against gay marriage is this: if it’s OK for the majority to tell gay people who they are allowed to marry, how long will it be before they can tell YOU who YOU can marry?
That may sound alarmist to you, all comfy and safe in your bed with your husband or wife. But what if your spouse is of a different faith than you? What if that becomes politically incorrect? What if the majority suddenly decides that interfaith marriages are a security risk? What if they’re un-American? What happens if you can’t marry the person you love because their faith is one thing and yours is another?
Not their business, you say? What about the separation of Church and State, you ask? Good question! What about that? There are plenty of churches ready and willing to marry gay couples. The states won’t legalize the marriages. Their reasons are all based on religious beliefs. That is a pure, unadulterated violation of the rules governing the separation of Church and State. Go figure. Not the first example by far, and certainly won’t be the last.
Here’s the deal. We let it slide that two people who love each other and are willing to make a legal binding commitment to each other, be told that they can’t do it because someone doesn’t like what they do in bed together. We let it slide because it isn’t us. We let it slide because we are ignorant, embarrassed, afraid. We let it slide. And the next thing that happens is, someone is standing in our bedroom door making judgements about whatever private things we do that are none of their damn business, and saying that we can’t do it because the majority says it’s wrong.
Couldn’t happen here, could it? Not in America. Not in the land of the free. Well, it’s not really free anymore though, is it?
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Posted by thought4food
April 15, 2007
I am at a total loss as to an explanation for sickness. What possible purpose does it serve in the vast scheme of things? Why should we become ill and then get well? Why should we become ill at all? What is the underlying cosmically necessary meaning behind it all?
Couldn’t there have been some other teeny tiny prey for a virus to pounce upon that didn’t live in my body? You would think that either the Higher Power(s) or evolution would have hit upon something! Seriously! There could have been herds of little cow like creatures roaming around in snotty stuff for viruses to feast upon and we would never have been the wiser. Or how about little rodentesque critters scampering around hiding in obscure places for viruses to ferret out?
The viruses could have banded together and made little slaughter houses to deal with the varmints they caught! And for those vegan viruses there could have been little plant stuffies for them to eat. Nutritionally sound if consumed in the proper quantities. Why would that have been a problem? Why didn’t it develope that way? Instead we’re stuck with viruses and an immune system!
The way I see it is this: My body wouldn’t need an immune system if there wasn’t anything for it to be immunized against. So, why sickness? What is it’s purpose? Why not just be well until we die?
We should live long healthy lives until the very moment that we keel over dead. Or at least not get sick until it’s time to die. Yeah! That’s it! We’ll be totally well for all our lives! The only time we get sick will be the one and only time in our lives we will ever be sick. Then……kaplooey! Yer dead.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Until you’re skipping down the street having the time of your life, and suddenly……ACHOOOOO!
Uh oh! *gulp*
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Posted by thought4food
April 11, 2007
If you have a problem with people saying what they think, you might want to stop reading right here. Because unlike Imus, I won’t be coming back later to apologize for saying it. As far as I know we still live in America. I still have a right to free speech. If you don’t like what I say, you still have a right not to listen to it.
I understand why a politician will apologize for making a remark that most intelligent people will naturally notice is remarkably stupid, like Imus did. They have a future riding on their ability to appeal to a majority of the people in their districts.
Entertainment personalities, especially “shock jocks” like Imus, on the other hand, are supposedly making their living by saying incredibly stupid things on a regular basis. Why should they bow to the pressure of public opinion and apologize for saying it? Hell, why bother apologizing for it at all? It’s out there for all time now anyway. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, dude. All you’re gonna do now is smear it all over the counter.
Imus has a right to say whatever stupid thing he wants to say. As long as he doesn’t violate any FCC rules and regs he can say anything he likes and we have no right to censure him. If we don’t like what he says we have the option of simply turning him off. As long as Imus keeps his dumb ass off my property, he can say all of the backwardly stupid, inbred thinking, family-tree doesn’t branch kind of stuff he wants to and I’ll defend his right to say it to the death.
I don’t have to agree with him, what he says, how he thinks, or even the fact that in some areas he obviously can’t or hasn’t thought. It doesn’t matter that I believe that he is probably making remarks like this out of some sort of self hatred. He has a right to be an idiot on the air if he wants to and he doesn’t have to apologize to anyone for it! He owes no one an apology for being less than a decent human. Being a creditable, decent, humane individual isn’t a requirement for having your rights protected in this country.
We in America need to remember that we are guaranteed the right of free speech. We don’t need to apologize to anyone for the things we say. Whatever stupid, ignorant, ill thought out, uneducated, pitiful opinions we might have, we are free to state them to the world if we want to and we don’t owe apologies to anyone for them.
We are free in this country to be idiots, racists, bigots, and fools if we want to. It’s a free country. So, I say: Go Imus! Talk it up!
Just make sure you stay away from my house because your right to free speech ends at my property line. I have no problem with temporarily seceding from the Union and kicking your sorry ass from here to next week.
Barring that, talk on, ya idiot! I’ll defend your right to do so on the public airwaves until America isn’t America anymore. Which could be next year if we keep on in the same way we’re going now.
I’ll put the coffee on the for the Homeland Security guys, just in case. If having sex on an airplane is in their domain, defending Imus’ right to be an idiot might be too. *sigh*
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Posted by thought4food
April 10, 2007
My dearest husband and I have the best friends. Wow! This one is going to be harder than I thought. See, it’s really hard to say exactly how great our friends are. It’s easy to tell about the kind of friends who come over on Saturday and drink a beer and hang out. Or the kind of friends who watch the Superbowl with you.
But our friends are so much more than that. If you’ve read much of this site you might know that last September our house burned down. In the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months since then we have been firmly in the palm of our friends’ hands. They have kept us with them, safe and sane.
While Bella was in the hospital, our friends kept Buddha and Possum with them, bought them clothes, school supplies, etc. They bought us clothes. They taught the grand-kids that when bad things happen, their world will pull together instead of explode apart like it had always done in the past. Our friends changed the way they looked at their world and its possibilities. They changed the kind of world our grandkids live in.
We are their grandparents, giving them a safe place to land comes with the job description. Our friends are a different story. They didn’t have to do that. They didn’t have to do any of the things they did and they would have still been our friends and we would have still loved them just the same. But they did do it. They made a circle around our kids, all three of them, that made them feel safe and secure in a way that we could never have done because we were in the same boat they were in and at the time we couldn’t do it.
Now, our friends are the most eclectic group of people you could ever hope to meet. No two of them are even remotely alike. We couldn’t have gone out with the intention of picking completely different people for friends and done as good a job. And yet, they are all remarkably alike in several respects. They are all fantastic people. They are all interesting. They are all interested. They are all intelligent in the extreme. They are all fun and funny. They are all thoughtful and kind. They all have remarkably different personalities. Some are shy, some are extroverted, some are hyper, some are laid back, some are psycho, (ok, I’m in that category) some are insanely sane.
But when push comes to shove, we move like a well oiled machine. We have gone from single, to married, job to job, dating to parents, and now to grandparents. And we are still here, still together, still a unit. Sometimes we see each other more often, sometimes less, but we are always in each others thoughts and we are always in each others hearts.
We all have our faults and our quirks. We like that about each other. It’s those very things that make us all unique and intriguing to each other. We have differences of opinion. That’s what makes a horse-race. We like that too. We’ve all made mistakes. That’s why they put erasers on pencils. That’s just one more way we’re all alike. We learn from each other. I can learn more from one night with my friends than I can from 6 days on the Internet. And that’s saying something. I’ve been to the end of the Internet and back several times now.
I’m the oldest of everyone. The youngest of our friends is about 30 years younger than me. That gives a pretty broad range of perspectives.
I wouldn’t trade our friends for anything on the face of this earth. Not one thing. Because as long as we have them and each other, there is nothing else we need, and nothing we need that we won’t have. And as long as they have us and each other, if we have a dime, they have a nickel.
There needs to be a word between friend and family. Framily. That’s what they are. Our Framily. And if I had tried to invent them I wouldn’t have done as good a job.
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Posted by thought4food
March 19, 2007
I have three brothers. One older and two younger. I love my brothers. Don’t get me wrong. We fought like cats and dogs when we were coming up. If there was a mean thing that could be done, we did it to each other. As the only girl, I learned to be fast and mean. I will never be able to thank them enough for that! The lessons I learned have served me well in my life.
There is a strength you get from brothers that stands in the background of your life. It gets embedded in your psyche in infancy and it never goes away. You know throughout your life in every bad situation that comes about, that all you have to do is make a call and you have backup. Even if you don’t use it, you know it’s there. There is a strength in that knowledge that will get you through even the toughest situations.
If you have brothers you are never alone. If you have brothers you are never weak. If you have brothers you will never be homeless. If you have brothers you will never starve. If you have brothers you will always be understood. If you have brothers you will always have support.
On the other hand if you have brothers you will always be dogged out when you cry. When you have brothers you will be teased if you don’t keep up. If you have brothers you will get your hair pulled. If you have brothers you will get skinned knees.
If you have brothers you will have the best forts EVER! If you have brothers you will have the best friends ever. If you have brothers you will have the best prom dates ever. If you have brothers you will have ……… brothers!
Brothers rules! I wouldn’t trade my brothers for anything. They each have something that I need. They each have something that no one else on the face of the earth could give me. I need each one of them. I always have. They are as different as any three random people on the street. And yet they are the same. They surround me in my heart and in my mind every day. They are a major part of the foundation that I am built on. Without my brothers I would be less than I am. With them I am limitless.
In loving memory of Norman Edward Haus… My Brother… Always
Not in my sight but always in my heart, mind and soul.
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Posted by thought4food
Thought For Food 