Let’s Catch Up

March 2, 2008

In case you haven’t noticed by now, I have a tendency to vanish occasionally.  Don’t despair!  I shall return.  This may or may not be a good thing.  I leave it up to you to decide.  I have my own doubts about that on occasion: Particularly when I wake up in the morning, stumble into the “library”, look into the mirror and scream because there is some strange elderly lady looking back at me from my eyes. 

If sleeping is supposed to be so darn good for me how come I always wake up looking like I’m just coming down off of a thirty day drunk?

Sometimes I wish I had been born rich instead of so damned good looking. lucky. with such a hot body. 

Sometimes I wish I had been born rich.

You know you live in the south if your heart gets blessed at least fifteen times a day.  

You definitely know you live in the south if someone can bless your heart in such a way that it makes you feel like smacking them in the mouth.  No one can be more ruthlessly kind than southern women.  A southern woman will invite you to dine in her home precisely because she hates you with a passion that exceeds her love of fried foods.  She will then be so drippingly kind and considerate of you that it will make your skin crawl. 

I stay home most of the time.  Luckily however, I am also rarely invited into the homes of southern women.  In the immortal words of Martha Stewart (a Yankee woman with a southern soul if ever there was one)…..That’s a good thing!

You know you live in a small, small, small southern town if every business on Main Street is closed on Wednesday but open on Saturday.  (The explanation for this is so that folks that work for a living can do their business on Saturday but the employees can still have two days off each week.  I know, right?)

The Buddha is an exceptionally accomplished driver for a young man of twelve years.  Living out here in the boonies is good for that.  He can drive all over the hill because it’s our property.  He will have all the wild oats out of his system by the time he gets his license and will be a safe responsible driver.  That’s the lie I’m telling myself.  Now shush up and don’t bust my bubble by telling me the truth. 

Princess Bella had us standing around with our mouths open like fly traps the other day when she sprang her latest hidden talent on us.  A gentlemen on some game show, probably Jeopardy, said the alphabet backwards.  As soon as he started doing it, she started doing it.  As soon as she started doing it I shushed her.  Then it soaked into my brain that she was actually doing it right.  I told her to do it again.  She did.  Turns out that the little jasper can spell anything, and I mean anything at all, backwards.  If she can spell it forwards, she can spell it backwards just as well.  And she can spell like a demon.  I’m in the process of teaching her to spell supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.  I can’t waitto hear her spell that one backwards!  Incidentally, I spelled that phonetically, so if I spelled it wrong, please let me know!  I’d rather hear it from you than have her find out that I taught it to her wrong, then have her roll her eyes at me.  You know what I mean?  I already went through that with the word “ablutions”.  I spelled it “abloutions”.  Lord, you would have thought I spit on the flag or something!  Cripes!

She has just been accepted into the Academically and Intellectually Gifted class at school.  She’s stoked.  Me too.  The kid’s got more intelligence in her pinkie than I have in my whole body.  Learning is one of her favorite hobbies!  One day when we were at the counseling center she was reading The Count of Monte Cristo to me.  She’s like having my own personal audio books.  Gradually all of the adults gravitated to the side of the waiting room we were on and sat down listening to her read.  She was so engrossed in the book that she didn’t notice them.  They thought she was a midget, not a seven year old kid.  I’m really jonesing for her to start on The Iliad and The Odyssey.  I think they’ll hold her interest. 

When we asked her how she learned to spell things backwards she told us that she just always knew it!  Duh!  I guess that was just a dumb question, huh?

Rocky is having a hard time adjusting to the far FAR more relaxed pace of country living.  She’s used to being able to hop in her car and be anywhere to do anything in fifteen minutes tops.  Here, it takes more than fifteen minutes to get to town!  Where she lived in Florida, it never got dark, it never shut down, it was never quiet, and there were always, always, always people in your line of sight.  Here, after the sun sets, it is totally dark until the sun comes back up again.  The stores and fast food joints shut down by eleven, and there is no one to see but us.  While in my own humble opinion we ain’t nuttin to throw rocks at, it is JUST the four of us here.  If she wants to see people, she has to do some traveling. 

Gee Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!

We have some births coming up.  Two of the dogs are pregnant.  SugarPlum is significantly pregnant.  She’s eating for twenty now.  Poor thing can’t even squat to pee without her belly dragging the ground.  DeeDee is also pregnant.  I’m not sure she knows what caused that, or what exactly that is.  She seems mystified by the changes her body is going through.  She is fat and clumsy.  She keeps trying to jump up onto the back of the chair I’m sitting in, then she can’t quite make it and she slips off.  Then she will stand there looking around like, “How the hell did I get here?  I’m supposed to be up there!”  It’s funny as hell and kinda pitiful at the same time.  I called her a tub of lard the other day and I swear she knew what it meant.  She got this hurt look on her face and lay down on the couch, then put both paws over her eyes.  I felt so bad I gave her people food to comfort her.  Now every time I turn around she is hiding her face and looking pitiful.  I think I got played. 

I have this little kink about birds.  I love em!  So I have all these bird feeders outside where I can watch the birds eat.  Did you know that birds are hogs?  Those little buggers can knock back some bird seed!  Last Saturday all the neighborhood kids were at our house playing.  We jammed with Guitar Hero.  His Highness The Buddha kicked our asses.  We played card games.  We played board games.  They ate me out of house and home like a plague of locusts.  They played on the swing-set out back.  Then they got pissy.  You know how kids are when they’ve been together for too long? 

I decided to make them be useful.  I got out the big ass bag of bird seed and let them help me refill all of the bird feeders.  Here’s a little math question for you!  Red has six kids at her house.  Each kid has two hands each.  Red has one big ass bag of bird seed.  Each kid puts two hands into the bag of birdseed in order to refill the bird feeders.  How much bird seed gets into the feeders?  Answer: Only fifty percent of the birdseed removed from the bag will actually make it to the feeders.  The balance will be smashed into someones face, dumped down someones back, tossed into someones hair, fed to the dogs, and tossed around on the ground for the birds to eat. 

So, this week every-time I look out the window all of my feeders are hanging around sans birds and the birds are on the ground munching on the seed the kids spilled.  WTF?  It’s a clear cut case of nature over nurture!  When the seed on the ground is gone they’ll go back to the feeders!  But holy crap the birds are beautiful!  I have blue ones, yellow ones, red ones, orange ones, and every combination in between.  My very favorite, most beloved non-hummingbird bird is the indigo bunting.  It is awesome!  It’s like those cars with the paint that changes colors.  It’s feathers change colors with every move it makes.  Google it.  The pictures are gorgeous. 

Which reminds me, I need to go to the Dollar store and pick up some after Christmas tinsel on sale and hang it up for the crows.  They are my totem animal.  And just like me, they are captivated by shiny objects.  I figure the tinsel is harmless and they will like it for building nests.  You know, just a lil bling bling for the crib. 

I’m planning on planting a small veggie garden in straw-bales this year.  It’s something new.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  And because we’re in a drought, I have to figure out a way to water the bales so that they aren’t so wasteful of water.  This water waste is a major downfall of the straw-bale system.  I have an idea.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  I’m planning on putting out tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, summer squash, and some gourds just for fun.  I already have a grape vine.  And of course the plum tree out front and a peach tree out back. 

I might have to start another blog on my veggies and fruits.  I’ll be busy with them.  I’m going to dry a lot of them.  String beans!  They are very easy to make into leather britches!  You take string beans after you have pulled them off the vine, wash and dry them, then take a needle and thread.  Make it a long, double thread just like you were going to sew something with it.  Then one by one you poke the needle through the string beans, in the middle of each one.  You leave enough string at the top to tie them to whatever you’re going to hang them from.  Hang them in a cool dry place until dry.  Then store in an airtight container until you are ready to use them. 

When you want to cook them, take down a string of leather britches, cut the knot off the bottom of the string, and pull the beans off.  Rinse well.  Soak in a bowl of cool water for about an hour.  Then place in a pot, cover with water and cook until tender.  Season to taste. 

Okay, now I’m hungry and it’s the middle of the night!  Sheesh!  Hmm, middle of the night and I’m still up.  I’m still up and on the computer and thinking about eating.  Could this have anything to do with the fact that I look like the bride of Frankenstein when I wake up in the morning?  Just another one of those questions that nag me in the middle of the night like: Why do tornadoes always touch down in trailer parks?  And who is the braille for at the drive through teller machine at the bank?  And is rehab really just for quitters?  And why don’t people eat turkey eggs?  You could get a whole damn pan of scrambled eggs with just three of those babies I bet!  And why don’t we grow wheat in the dividers of the interstates?

And last but certainly not least, now that I’m back, don’t you wish I had stayed away just a teensy bit longer? 

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Thoughts For The Day – Jan. 15, 2008

January 15, 2008

Does it seem odd to you that the CBS morning news should be reporting on Britney Spears court nonappearance in her child custody case?  Are there not a couple of areas in the world in which we are in military combat that might require more immediate attention?  Is there not a murderer on the run somewhere in the world who murdered an eight month pregnant woman, whom he allegedly raped, then burned and buried right in his own back yard in North Carolina?  Are there not weather systems going haywire?  Isn’t there a dog stuck in a well pipe on 7th street in some backwoods town in East Bumphuc Egypt?

And while I’m on the subject, does it constitute a low speed chase if only the psycho paparazzi are involved?  Isn’t it a prerequisite that the legal authorities be involved for it to be classified as a “chase” of any kind and to be shown on the national news, for God’s sake?

And, again, while I’m on the subject, does anyone really have an objection to Britney not being there to fight for custody of her children at the moment?  Before you all get up on your high horses and start to judge her as a horrible example of a mother for not being in there fighting for her kids with all her might, let me set you straight.  Britney did the most motherly thing I’ve seen her do in a long time this morning.  She let her kids go to the best place they can be right now.  Does anyone really think they need to be in Brit’s custody right now? 

Permanent Custody is a relative term in the court system.  Until a child is eighteen years old, or until a parent’s parental rights are terminated, nothing and I mean NOTHING is written in stone.  We’ve seen this over and over in this case already.  This could very well be Britney’s first step towards healing in a very long time.  Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

If I were her and I pulled up in front of that courthouse, with no chance of success inside and that gauntlet of press to run outside, I would probably have done the same thing.  Please note the “If I were her” at the beginning of the sentence.  Because every expression on my face on the way out the door would have been worth thousands to some undeserving asshole whose only ticket in is a camera in his hand and the dexterity to plunge the freakin button on it.  Which means a blind monkey in the right position could make that money shot over and over again.  So much for the “talent” portion of our event.

And that’s all for my Britney rant today.

Next……

The four hundred eighty five things you DID do today don’t count.  It’s the ONE thing you didn’t do that matters.  Don’t forget that.

Crackers trump the electric bill every time. 

You can spend all of your time working on a problem and someone who has never been involved will STILL think they can see it better than you. 

Criticism comes easy from the least expected people. 

Support comes from the most UNexpected people.

People who were deliberately absent when all the work was being done will make sure to point out all of the shortcomings of any project.  The harder the project, the more vocal the pointer will be.

Sometimes I’m a bitch.

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Random Thoughts On Greatness

January 7, 2008

I was writing at another site recently and one of the titles that caught my eye was along the lines of: How can you tell if you were meant for greatness?  That set me thinking.  As you might know, that can lead to all kinds of off the wall oddage.  However, on this occasion I don’t think that’s the case.  I happen to have a personal little idea about greatness. 

I think everyone has moments of greatness in their lives.  They might not ever even know they had it, but those moments can change the course of someone’s life for the better.  I’ve thought about this off and on for years and years.  It was an offhand comment that was made about me that started it all off.

When I was fourteen years old I was with a bunch of other people at my cousin’s house.  We were listening to the radio and singing along with all the songs.  One of the kids there with us was a boy who liked me.  I liked him too.  We hadn’t done or said anything about it yet, it was all shy looks at this point.  Being about the same age as I was, and shy, and stoopid as boys that age are, he was trying to think of something to say and he decided to go with teasing me.  So while I was singing along with my cousin he said something about me thinking I could sing. 

My throat immediately seized up and I couldn’t make another sound to save my life.  It would be ten years before I could sing in front of anyone again.  That one tiny little teasing comment changed me.  I allowed it to take away a major piece of my life for ten years.  It wasn’t meant to harm me, it wasn’t meant to cause me pain or discomfort.  He was only trying to get my attention. 

However, eventually, I began to think about how much power that one tiny little comment had.  I knew that things like that had happened to other people over and over everyday, all over the world.  The spoken word is an immensely powerful tool.  Used properly, it can lead one to instances of greatness. 

Accidental moments of greatness occur all of the time.  When someone says something nice or encouraging about someone else and it is passed on or overheard, that is an instance of greatness.  That one comment can change a life.  It can lead someone who might have given up, to begin all over again. 

But true greatness can come if this power is guided and used intentionally.  An overheard comment that isn’t said directly to someone had incredible potency.  This is probably because we feel that there is more honesty in something said about is to someone else than there is in something said about us to us.  So, an “accidentally” overheard praise about someone is doubled in force. 

I try to let my kids “accidentally overhear” me praising their good qualities as much as possible.  I like to say all of the good things I can about them when I know they are eavesdropping.  It’s good for them to hear good things being said about them outside of their presence.  Because they are so much more likely to believe it that way.  Besides, my kids are wonderful, and they will never believe me if I tell them that to their faces.  I’m never really sure why!

I brag on My Dearest Husband all of the time.  Mostly I do this because he’s absolutely hands down the coolest human being ever, but also because it’s good for him to overhear me saying good things about him too.  Because it’s human nature to be more likely to believe things not meant to be heard than it is to believe things said to your face.  That way he knows that I love him from what I say TO him and also from what I say ABOUT him to other people. 

I try to point out the good qualities I notice in my kids friends and acquaintances as well, because I know that kids tell everything.  Therefore anything I say about their friends will be repeated to them verbatim.  I tell them how one of their friends seems to be meant for the diplomatic corps because they seem to be able to get everyone to get along.  Or another seems to be the favorite of every animal that is within shouting distance, so they might be a vet one day.  It gives them something to think about, something to see in their future, something about themselves that is more than just a kid.  It gives them a glimpse of themselves as adults for just one brief moment.  As successful, respected adults.  It gives them something to shoot for.

I think people who help someone out of the goodness of their hearts with no expectation of return for their effort are an example of greatness.  I think people who can make you laugh when you feel like crap are an example of greatness.  I think people you can talk to when you need a place to dump all of your negativity are an example of greatness.  I think people who give you a shoulder to cry on are an example of greatness.  I think people who can spend time with you and make you feel comfortable with silence are an example of greatness. 

An offhand remark has enormous power to affect the lives of the people who hear them.  If you make the proper offhand remark at the proper time you just might be an example of greatness yourself.  You probably already have, whether you know it or not!  How cool is that?

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So…How Did Your Christmas Go?

December 31, 2007

Well, it went according to plan!  Hell must have frozen over solid.  Which means now I have to do all those dumb ass things I said I’d do when hell froze over!  (insert OH SHIT face here)

We woke up when it was quarter to light, made a pot of coffee, positioned the sleeping children in photogenic areas of the living room, poured the coffee, put on our happy faces and woke them up.  At this point they turned into the Tasmanian Devil in stereo.  The entire living room was aswirl in wrapping paper, squeals of delight, boxes, OH MY GODs, ignored socks and underwear, tiny pieces of now unplayable games, the sounds of every kind of noise making device known to man, and the grown ups laughing our asses off. 

It’s really a good thing that The Buddha keeps these memories like photographs because the camera apparently decided to take Christmas off and went to Bocca for the Holidays.  I couldn’t find it anywhere.  So memories and eighteen bags of trash are all we have to remember it by. 

The Buddha promptly re-wrapped every single one of his gifts just so that he could re-open them.  Seems that he really likes Christmas a lot.  Princess Bella copies every move he makes so she did the same thing, not as neatly or as consistently but she tried. 

I got a painting the I’ve been jonesing for, for about 3 or 4 months now.  After it was wrapped and put under the tree The Buddha kept trying to get me to guess what it was.  I kept guessing it was an Ipod.  It’s about 15 x 20 inches.  I tried to wear it on my arm, I tried to plug ear buds into it, I looked for music on I tunes for it.  It cracked him and Bella up over and over.  Lucky for me their entertainment threshold is as low as mine.

So now my painting is forever named Ipod.  Do you ever name your inanimate objects?  Like, my vacuum is named Eric because it sucks so well and I knew a guy named Eric who sucked just as bad  good.  It’s good for a vacuum but bad for a person to suck like that.  “Of all my relations I like sex the best and Eric the least.”  I love that quote.  It’s not mine, it’s from a book, but every time I think of Eric (the person not the vacuum) I think of that quote. 

Intyways, as Princess Bella and The Buddha say, I hope your holidays have been wonderful so far. 

We’re cooking for New Years.  It will be an all day affair starting tomorrow and ending on the first.  Down here in the Carolinas you have to have black eyed peas and collard greens for New Year’s Day.  The collard greens are for dollars and the peas are for cents.  It’s good luck.  We’re having some country ham, squash, potato salad and cornbread too.  Yall Come With Us Now. 

That’s a North Carolina saying.  You say that when you’re leaving someones house.  Now, if you were going to be here with us on New Year’s Day, we would be trying to send you home some of the left over food.  Cuz you do that in the South too.  It’s just good manners to send some home.  My freezer is full of that stuff.  Hey!  Lightbulb moment!  We’ll have some of that good stuff for New Year’s Day too!  Yall best come on over here and help us eat it, now!

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Merry Christmas Dammit

December 21, 2007

I am of two minds when it comes to Christmas.  Not because I’m all religious and think that you should remember the reason for the season and all that.  I really don’t care about that because, having read way too much on the subject and still having a few functioning brain cells left with which to reason, I have my own peculiar beliefs on that subject which I will not bore you with right now.  No, I am of two minds because I want to get gifts for everyone I know or am even just a tiny bit acquainted with but I am fundamentally challenged and so I can’t.  Get it?  Fundamentally?  LOL  Sometimes I crack myself up!

I want to see happy faces because someone got exactly what they wanted.  I want to see that bright happy look of possibility in the faces of the people I love/like/look at when they get something they want.  I love to see the kid come out in adults when they get a really good gift.  Not necessarily an expensive gift, or a showy gift, but a thoughtful gift.  Something that is just for them.  Something that tells them that you thought of them.  Something that says that for that one moment in time they were honestly and surely on your mind in a kind and thoughtful fashion.

I like to give people gifts that are unexpected.  If I won the lottery I would spend the bulk of it on way cool presents for all the people that I have always wanted to get things for but couldn’t because I am terminally broke.  I would start with my family and work my way out.  Some things I would have to invent. 

I would invent the Wandering Vet an awesome lightweight fold-up self heating/cooling padded tent with solar power that would fold up into a backpack and contain a computer hookup.  How cool would that be?  I would make an awesome Santa!  I would give everyone I know the best and happiest dreams on Christmas Eve of the best and longest day ever with all of their favorite loved ones who aren’t here for the holidays. 

However, I am mostly happy this Christmas because I have my mommy, Rocky, with me this Christmas.  I’m stoked!  I’m revved!  And His Highness The Buddha has planned Christmas morning out to a T.  We have our places marked out by him as well as what we must be doing. (drinking coffee)  He and Princess Bella will be opening gifts on the floor (in photogenic positions) as we drink it.  It must be dark outside for some reason, therefore we will have to be up early.  I only hope it all lives up to his expectations because Buddha collects these memories like photographs. 

Back in my previous life with old Pencil Dick, I hated Christmas with a passion.  But life with My Dearest Husband has changed all that.  I love Christmas now.  I love when it snows now, too.  Because I know he will come get me if I get stuck or scared.  I even love the fact that I can get scared.  I blame him for that.  It’s really all his fault.  He’s turned me into a big old sissy.  Before I met MDH I had never cried over a movie in my life.  I mean that literally.  Now I’m just a big ball of crybaby.  I tell him he’s ruined my rep as a hard ass bitch.  He takes full blame.  But I digress.

Because of MDH I now love Christmas.  Alas, I’m still broke, I haven’t won the lottery, and I’m not magic.  I guess I’ll just have to wish that I could give you all everything you wish for in your secret heart of hearts. 

So, in the most comforting inner voice you can find, try to hear me saying this:  “Merry Christmas!  I wish you joy, I wish you comfort, I wish you peace, and I wish you thoughts of those you love and those who love you.”  You are in my thoughts not just this time of year but always.

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New Additions To The Collection

December 11, 2007

We have now added one new human and one new puppy to our collection of beings that we live with.  Our zoo gets bigger.  I’m totally happy about both additions. 

The first one you know about already.  It’s my mommy, Rocky.  <insert huge sappy grin here>  She seems to be settling in well and we’re having a great time burning up the roads and shopping and all that great stuff.  We have trashed a whole giant container of coffee so far this week and we’re making a whopping dent in the mail order coffee I’ve been storing up for months.  Honestly, I’m going to crash like a 747 eventually, but for the moment I’m having the time of my life!

The second addition is a bulldog/hound-dog mix.  It’s a big fat rolly polly little thing that is absolutely darlin to look at and it makes my uterous clench just to hold him.  He is satisfying all my maternal instincts at the moment.  I have to keep a minute by minute check on myself just to keep from going to get his two fat little sisters and bringing them home too.  That’s just what we need, two more dogs.  I’m fast becoming the crazy dog lady of the hill already. 

My Dearest Husband has declared this puppy HIS.  He named him Jeremiah Johnson.  Only MDH is allowed to feed and water him.  This is because the rest of us overwhelm all of the animals with our eternal presence and MDH is left out in the cold because he works at night and sleeps during the day.  This limits his ability to be around during the normal “playing with the animals” hours of the day.  Therefore, we are not allowed to associate with JJ unless it is in MDH’s presence. 

However, as I stated previously, MDH sleeps during the day. <insert evil grin here> That big fat rolly polly little baby needs things during the day sometimes!  I’m sure he does.  (looks all innocent and stuff)  He cries.  He’s a baby and he’s lonely.  If he doesn’t get some company he will fail to thrive.  This is not good.  Hence, for MDH’s sake and for the sake of MDH’s baby puppy, I make the huge sacrifice of spending a lil old bit of time with that fat baby for him.  I only do it because I love him.  I wouldn’t do that for just anyone!

His Highness The Buddha and Princess Bella have both gotten great grades on their report cards.  Or is it progress reports?  They send me too many grades home.  I can’t keep up with what is what.  And they feel compelled to change things too.  Used to be that you got letter grades.  A’s were good.  E’s were very bad.  Now S’s are good.  E’s can be good too.  Maybe E’s are bad, who knows?  All I know is that Princess Bella’s teacher was all smiles and all her grades were either S’s (I assumed from the smiles that these were good) and A’s.  And The Buddha’s name was in the newspaper for honor roll so I also assume that his grades were good, although I have no earthly idea how in hell he does it. 

I feel a party coming on.  Not for any reason really, just because I want one.  I think this one will be a hill party.  We have lots of kids up here now.  And my mommy is here to help me get it all ready.  

And OMG……I found two, count em, two grey hairs in my head!  They were really pretty ones.  Not all dirty grey, but white grey.  I kinda like em.  I liked them so much when I found them that I pulled them out and saved them in an envelope for all time.  I think I will leave the replacements there when they grow back in.  I’m fifty years old now, after all.  I guess it’s time for my hair to start getting a little grey in it. 

Once it goes good and grey, I’ll go ahead and lose some weight because I won’t need the fat to fluff out those pesky wrinkles around my eyes anymore.  And I’ll stop wearing my hair in a pony tail too.  It was time to stop doing that anyway.  I only did it because it pulled the wrinkles out of my face and I had so many of them that I was almost wearing my face in a pony tail with just a little bit of hair hanging of the bottom of it!  THAT was just getting creepy.

However, I have started to think that maybe I need to start wearing my rear end in pigtails. 

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And After I Regained Consciousness……..

November 29, 2007

Wednesday evening is Kid Nation night.  We try to watch that without fail.  It’s a good show that we can watch together as a family and the kids love to see other kids running a town on their own.  It’s a chance to hear how our children feel about what is being done in Bonanza City, what they would do differently, how they would handle different situations, and generally get inside their heads without having to ask all those pesky questions that seem to discombobulate them so badly.

During one commercial break there was a promo for the movie “The Golden Compass.”  I was telling My Dearest Husband that I had recently gotten an email stating the opinion that in this movie they were trying to kill God.  Princess Bella pops up with the following reply, “That’s stupid!  God’s already dead!  They can’t kill him if he’s already dead!  DUH!”

My head was swimming.  I got slightly dizzy with all the thoughts, fears, assumptions, and questions that were simultaneously vying for attention.  My delightfully reasonable reply to her statement was “Say what?”

“Oh yes!  You see when people start talking about God, I start listening!  I stop wiggling around, sit still with my hands in my lap and listen real careful when they start talking about God.”  I’m still waiting to hear the part where He’s dead.  It isn’t coming clear to me yet so, against my better judgement, I have to ask.  “Bella, what makes you think God is dead?”

(Long suffering sigh accompanied by rolling of the eyes)  “Because he is in Heaven.  You can’t get into Heaven unless you’re dead.  I heard this in church because I listen.  I pay attention.  Maybe if you went to church more and paid more attention YOU would know that God was already dead too, Gammie.”

I was at a total loss for words.  Her logic was stunning.  It didn’t faze her one bit to think that God was dead.  The fact that a dead God was in Heaven with all her dead loved ones, just waiting on her to get there one day was comforting for her.  It made perfect sense to her.

I’m sure we’ll discuss this more at a later date.  She will not suffer my ignorance for long.  In the meantime, I’ll have to talk to some of my friends with ministerial credentials, do some research,  knock back a few beers, and generally prepare myself for it.  Because to be completely honest with you, I’m not really sure I’m up for the task.  She might just take me down. 

In the realm that God inhabits, is there any difference between life and death?  For God they could just be a state of mind.  They could be different levels of thought, or place, or feeling.  Who knows?  I feel like I’m going into a battle of wits totally unarmed.  Maybe……..if she brings the subject up again I’ll just point up into the sky and shout, “LOOK!  It’s a flock of turtles!”  Then run away. 

That might work, right?

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Thoughts – November 19, 2007

November 19, 2007

Kids are so much more fun if the television is off.

Dogs are hilarious.  Probably because they don’t care if you see them licking their booty.  Dee Dee’s new trick is to chase Jackal and try to bite his “boys” while he’s running away.  I try to imagine Princess Bella doing this to His Highness The Buddha.  It cracks me up every time! 

It’s never good when I have too much time on my hands.

Every once in a while, it’s good to have ice cream for breakfast.

The kids and I go out to eat every so often.  It’s not a regular thing because I like to cook at home.  Fast food isn’t usually my thing, and besides, it’s special when we dogo out.  We always make a big deal about who’s turn it is to pick the place where we eat.  They keep track of who gets to pick the joint we’re eating at.  They like Mac’s and that insane Burger king dude.  I like places where they have real food and no slides.  So we usually compromise and go where they have overly colorful cartoon characters and playground equipment.  *sigh*  Well, you guessed it, tonight was my turn to choose.  🙂  And I wanted real food.  So of course we have our usual “Whine and Please” session. 

THEM:Pleeeeeease let’s go to McDonaldddddddds

ME:Nope!  My turn to pick and I pick NOT MacFood.

THEM:Pleeeeeease let’s go to McDonaldddddddds

ME:I Mac Don’t want to Mac go to Macs!  Besides, we can’t go there anyway. 

THEM:(huge surprised faces) why not?

ME:Because, Ronnie Mac got arrested.

THEM: But………Why?

ME: The fashion po po got him for wearing that awful crap he always has on.

THEM: YOU LIE!  You just don’t wanna go to McDonald’s!

ME: I can prove it!

THEM:Can not!

ME: Can too!

THEM: Prove it then!

And so I did.

macbusted.jpg
And so I happily took myself and two very subdued children to a sit down restaurant to have a very nice and civilized dinner tonight.  It didn’t hurt that when we passed McDonald’s they had it shut down for remodeling.  Had the yellow tape around the dining area.  Only the drive-thru was open.  (insert huge smart ass grin here)  Sometimes………it’s MY turn to pick the place!

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Random Thoughts – November 13, 2007

November 13, 2007

What is UP with all these young female teachers having sex with their extremely young male students?  Okay, that’s not really the question.  What is up with them deciding that after they do it, they have to be all in love and shit and running off getting pregnant and all that crap?  I mean criminy!  Get over yourself!  Those boys just wanted some poontang!  The girls their age weren’t puttin out.  You were.  Yours isn’t any better than any other one.  It looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise just like all the rest of em.  Don’t try to convince the kid that gettin nookie means he’s all in love with you and has to carry on some kind of life long love affair.  Better yet, just leave those little boys alone, bypass the middle man and go sign yourself up at the sex offenders registry.  Then go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go and do not collect $200.

Princess Bella makes the BEST deviled eggs this side of the Mississippi River.  Hands Down.

My Dearest Husband is a hunka hunka burnin luv!  Hands Down.

His Highness The Buddha is the a closet sweetheart with a heart of gold.  No Doubt about it.

(I’m setting you all up for my Thanksgiving blog.)

The housecleaning fairy came to my house the other night while I was asleep and cleaned up!  I was astonished!  I was stunned.  I was pleased as punch!  The housecleaning fairy beats the tooth-fairy ten to one.

Question – When you get old, does the tooth fairy come to visit you when your teeth start to fall out again?  I ask this because I just turned fifty and I have started to get all the AARP junk mail in earnest.  I have to plan for my future and if I’m going to be visited by the tooth fairy, I can count that as part of my savings! 🙂

Getting older sucks a big green weenie.

The bad news:  A two year old girl went missing today in NC while playing with her family dogs out in their yard.  Law enforcement was called in and searchers went out and searched for her for hours.  The good news:  She was found about a half mile from her home, unharmed, unabducted, and basically unscathed.  She had simply wandered off and gotten lost in the woods.  How cool is it that there was good news at the end of this?  And how sad that yall won’t get to see it plastered all over the national news tonight.  So, I’ll give you the good news.  They are a happy loving family who were terrified by the thought that their little one was missing.  They did all the right things and in this case they got their little girl back safe and sound.  So here’s one up high for the searchers, law enforcement, the family and all the concerned citizens in this case and all the other ones that turned out right but that we never get to hear about.  Sometimes we need to hear the good news.

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Various and Sundry Stuff

November 9, 2007

It’s after three AM and I just got done removing a dumb old Trojan virus from my computer!  I feel violated.  Like someone came into my house and went through my underwear drawer.  *shudder*  How creepy is that???  I’m not sure which is more creepy, having someone standing around snooping through your stuff firsthand or having them be so cowardly that they have to do it from some far off place through wires.  At least I have a fair chance of shooting their buns off if they are standing in my house.  Note to hackers….stop that.  It’s not nice.  Shame on you.

We went to school conferences for report cards.  Now I have to call my mom and apologize for having been a kid again!  Dang all the stuff I did and all my snotty attitudes are sure coming back on me now!  Bella got straight A’s again.  No surprise.  We aren’t counting conduct and social skills here kids.  We are only counting academics.  Bella shines like a super nova in the learning arena.  She intelligent in the extreme and it’s her area of expertise. 

Her ADHD prevents her from getting those nice A’s in conduct though.  Poor kid.  You can literally watch her lose all control of what she’s doing.  I used to have the smart-assed attitude that ADD was truly an attention deficit.  That if her parents just paid some attention to her, she would be fine.  Then she came to live with ME!  Boy did that attitude ever smack me in the butt!  I found out first hand what it was like.

I fought against medicating her for as long as I could.  I didn’t believe in doing it.  I thought it was a cop out.  I thought it was the lazy way to deal with an illness.  I was ate up with a superiority complex.  I got over that.  Poor little Bella would honestly run herself until she fell down from exhaustion.  She would go until she literally could NOT go any more.  Her body would give out. 

It was then that I decided that my high and mighty attitude needed an adjustment and we put her on the medication.  It was an absolute delight to see the difference it made in her.  She could sit down and read a book.  She could finish a sentence.  She could finish a thought.  She could sleep!  It was awesome!  And now she gets those marvelous A’s on her report cards.  Screw the conduct grades.  We’ll deal with those as best we can.  I just love to see the smile on her face when she sees all those A’s.  That means she has succeeded and Bella needs that.

The Buddha is on the A/B honor roll.  This surprises me not one bit.  He is capable of being on the A honor roll every single time.  However, he knows that he can do it and for him, that is enough.  He likes to hear his teachers and me talk about how smart he is and how capable he is.  It makes him feel good.  He likes us to all sit around together telling him how smart he is.  He will do his homework, he just won’t turn it in.  However, he does good enough on his tests that his GPA keeps him on the honor roll even though his report card grades can be C’s and D’s!  It makes my head spin! 

It’s that head spinning part that means I need to call my momma.  Because I remember having exactly the same attitude when I was his age.  I remember being just as capable and just as unwilling to put in the time and effort.  I remember my momma doing everything she could do to convince me that it was important and me thinking that it just really wasn’t.  I figured that as long as I understood the work, it didn’t matter if I turned in homework.  My test scores would be enough.  And I could pull a good test grade out of thin air.  I’m sure I was infuriating, because The Buddha can do that now and it infuriates me!  He can put in minimal effort and get the most amazing good grades for it!  I tell him that I would give him an F for it because I know he tossed it together like a five second salad.  He just laughs.

However, they both got the point, they are both smart kids, and I like to tell myself that I had something to do with that.  I got my mama’s smarts and passed them down.  Okay, so I borrowed them from someone else.  At least I passed them along.  And I didn’t turn out so bad.  I’ve never been to jail. 

I DID get arrested once.  It was really fun!  The deputy and I had a big laugh over the fact that my fingers were the smallest ones he had ever tried to finger print.  I had to roll them myself because I have freakishly small hands and he had big beefy fingers.  And I told them when they took my mug shot, that if I had known I was going to get my picture taken I would have had my hair done that day.  We laughed and joked and had a real good time.  They said they never had more fun arresting anyone before and I said that I never had more fun getting arrested.  They called me on that one though, because I had never been arrested before.  They told me that they were going to make copies of my mug shot because it was the only one they had ever seen with the person smiling so sweetly!  In my defense, I really like new experiences and that was my first time!

It did kinda make me sad though because it ruined my hopes of becoming a spy for the CIA.  They apologized for that.  All in all it was a very pleasant experience considering the fact that I was being arrested for assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill.  The strangest things can happen to you when you have teen-aged daughters!  Just so you know, it never made it to court.  It was tossed out as the ridiculous charge that it was before it ever got there.  However, you can go down to the sheriff’s department and look at the old mug shots and if you see someone smiling like they are having the time of their lives………that’s me!

That all happened about fourteen years ago, but those guys still wave at me when we pass on the street.  We laughed it up about it when I ran the pawn shop and they would come in.  I think I was their favorite “criminal”.  The funny thing was, we were out of town when they came to our house to arrest us, so we rode up to the sheriff’s department and turned ourselves in!  *sigh*  Good times, good times!

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