Thought For Food

Ohhh this is the first time I’ve written the new year down.  Felt kinda good. 

So…..how come there is no patterned toilet paper?  The cheaper stuff could be patterned after wood chips to disguise the actual wood slivers that are embedded in it.  You could have camo style….to hide stuff.  Duct tape pattern…to fix up any pesky problems you might have in that area.  Flowers….for that springtime fresh feeling.  You get the idea.

Not to give anyone any stooopid ideas or anything,  but a certain city in North Carolina wants to ban smoking in public parks.  *sigh*  Sure, why not?  You already can’t smoke IN A BAR!!!!!!  Why should you be able to smoke out in the open air?  Did you notice that bold type “in a bar” up there?  That’s because not being able to smoke while you are consuming mass quantities of alcohol makes perfect sense.  God forbid you should be suffering from the effects of second hand smoke just before you jump into an automobile and wipe out a family of five.  I’m just saying.

I recently came to the conclusion that I grow several things really well.  Hair…wow can I ever grow hair!  Fingernails….these babies grow like there is no tomorrow.  And ass….it’s like it’s being fertilized!  (please refrain from making that way too easy connection) I”m going to start The Ass Club.  It’s sorta like the hair club only different.  People with no ass could come in and get an ass transplant from someone who is lucky enough to grow all the extra ass in the world..i.e. ME!  I would sell my fingernails too but that’s just nasty.

I’m starting a revolutionary new diet!!!!!!   It’s called don’t eat too much and get exercise.  Okay, I kid.  But did you ever notice that EVERY diet plan that promises to deliver incredible weight loss also has, in tiny print, along with diet and exercise.  The ONE common denominator, diet and exercise.  Let’s just skip all the crap designed to suck us into paying exorbitant amounts of money on some weird contraption and go straight to the diet and exercise portion of our program. 

Christmas was awesome!  Possum, her MDH, and our newest grandson, Lil Man spent the holidays with us.  I love babies.  All babies.  Big uns, small uns, medium uns.  I love em!  That’s because we are on the same intellectual plane.  There is nothing more fun than making faces and strange sounds with a tiny person.  They get such joy out of it.  Needless to say, me and Lil Man had a great time playing with his new toys.  These consisted mainly of the boxes his toys came in.  He loved putting his hand in the box and looking at it through the transparent window in the side.  He is just learning to talk.  DAAAAAA  is his favorite word right now, followed by Naaaaa Naaaaaaaaa.  That means night-night, Nana, and NO.  And he waves backwards, which is possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.  Buddha and Princess Bella both got just what they wanted and were happy and satisfied. 

It hit me just this second….I have FOUR grandchildren!!!!!!  Holy cripes I’m gettin on in years!  You don’t hear about my third grand baby because he passed away from complications that he had from birth.  He had just turned two years old.  One of the two saddest times of my life.  But he was the most smiley faced baby I’ve ever seen.  Like he knew he only had a limited time available to him and he intended to enjoy every minute of it.  R.I.P Baby Jimmy!  We love you.

So, did you make New Year’s Resolutions?  Not me!  I learned a long time ago that I’m only setting myself up for failure if I do that.  Just because I don’t like being made to feel forced into anything.  Not even by myself!  I have an attitude problem in those situations.  I have to sneak up behind myself and fool myself into doing the things I need to do.  Where most people need a support group to do things like quit smoking….I would only say screw you to them and do it anyway just to prove to myself that they don’t control my actions.  I know, it’s a self defeating attitude.  But at least I know I have it.  Dr Phil says that you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.  But just who does he think he is, anyway?  HE can’t tell me what to do!  Grrrr….oh.  Sorry.  But you see what I mean?  You just can’t deal with me sometimes! 

Ok, so get this!  Princess Bella’s teacher gives her this enormous project in mid-december……build a castle.  One foot tall at minimum.  WTF?  Noooooooo this isn’t the busiest month of the year!  We have NOTHING to do but build a damn castle during the month of de freakin cember!  Keeping in mind that we have company that includes a kid just big enough to remove every object off of every flat surface in the house!  Criminy!  I’m telling you, I have very little love left for that teacher.  Note to teachers:  For the love of GOD!…..THINK about the timing of this stuff!   I love watching them do projects.  They are full of imagination.  Just not at Christmas time.