Merry Christmas Dammit

December 21, 2007

I am of two minds when it comes to Christmas.  Not because I’m all religious and think that you should remember the reason for the season and all that.  I really don’t care about that because, having read way too much on the subject and still having a few functioning brain cells left with which to reason, I have my own peculiar beliefs on that subject which I will not bore you with right now.  No, I am of two minds because I want to get gifts for everyone I know or am even just a tiny bit acquainted with but I am fundamentally challenged and so I can’t.  Get it?  Fundamentally?  LOL  Sometimes I crack myself up!

I want to see happy faces because someone got exactly what they wanted.  I want to see that bright happy look of possibility in the faces of the people I love/like/look at when they get something they want.  I love to see the kid come out in adults when they get a really good gift.  Not necessarily an expensive gift, or a showy gift, but a thoughtful gift.  Something that is just for them.  Something that tells them that you thought of them.  Something that says that for that one moment in time they were honestly and surely on your mind in a kind and thoughtful fashion.

I like to give people gifts that are unexpected.  If I won the lottery I would spend the bulk of it on way cool presents for all the people that I have always wanted to get things for but couldn’t because I am terminally broke.  I would start with my family and work my way out.  Some things I would have to invent. 

I would invent the Wandering Vet an awesome lightweight fold-up self heating/cooling padded tent with solar power that would fold up into a backpack and contain a computer hookup.  How cool would that be?  I would make an awesome Santa!  I would give everyone I know the best and happiest dreams on Christmas Eve of the best and longest day ever with all of their favorite loved ones who aren’t here for the holidays. 

However, I am mostly happy this Christmas because I have my mommy, Rocky, with me this Christmas.  I’m stoked!  I’m revved!  And His Highness The Buddha has planned Christmas morning out to a T.  We have our places marked out by him as well as what we must be doing. (drinking coffee)  He and Princess Bella will be opening gifts on the floor (in photogenic positions) as we drink it.  It must be dark outside for some reason, therefore we will have to be up early.  I only hope it all lives up to his expectations because Buddha collects these memories like photographs. 

Back in my previous life with old Pencil Dick, I hated Christmas with a passion.  But life with My Dearest Husband has changed all that.  I love Christmas now.  I love when it snows now, too.  Because I know he will come get me if I get stuck or scared.  I even love the fact that I can get scared.  I blame him for that.  It’s really all his fault.  He’s turned me into a big old sissy.  Before I met MDH I had never cried over a movie in my life.  I mean that literally.  Now I’m just a big ball of crybaby.  I tell him he’s ruined my rep as a hard ass bitch.  He takes full blame.  But I digress.

Because of MDH I now love Christmas.  Alas, I’m still broke, I haven’t won the lottery, and I’m not magic.  I guess I’ll just have to wish that I could give you all everything you wish for in your secret heart of hearts. 

So, in the most comforting inner voice you can find, try to hear me saying this:  “Merry Christmas!  I wish you joy, I wish you comfort, I wish you peace, and I wish you thoughts of those you love and those who love you.”  You are in my thoughts not just this time of year but always.

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I Only Left Home For A Little While

December 19, 2007

Yesterday was one of those days that reach out of the nether regions of the cosmos and pinch you right on the butt when you’re raising kids.  The only thing I had to do was take His Highness The Buddha to his counseling session, pick up a few things from the grocery, then pop back home for the rest of the day.  Simple, right?  HA!  Not even a little bit.

It started out normally enough, but I had one extra thing to do……call and make an appointment for Princess Bella at the Doctor.  She got into an altercation during “Fun Friday” at school and had a sore wrist.  Now Bella is the ultimate drama queen.  You have to borrow a super mega mondo microscope from NASA to see most of the “savage” injuries that she gets.  When she comes into the house screaming about how she is bleeding to death I usually have to pull a tiny corner off of a paper towel to pretend to blot up the microscopic drop of blood off of the alleged cut.

However, since she has Medicaid and we answer to that higher power at all times, I decided to cover my proverbial and prodigious ass and take her to be examined.  To my surprise we were sent to have X-rays and she ended up with a broken wrist!  Exactly what she said she had!  Which she has reminded me of every half hour since, by the way.  Now she is sporting a jaunty little Carolina blue cast on her arm and garnering untold amounts of sympathy.  She’s in heaven!  I’m up shit creek for not believing her.  *sigh* 

The original counseling appointment was scheduled for 10:00 AM.  Bella’s first appointment was scheduled for noon.  And it proceeded from there.  By the time her little cast was put on and we had our instructions, it was after 5:00 PM.  I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel when The Buddha pipes up with………”Oh!  I forgot!  I have a band concert tonight at 6:30.  I need new dress pants because we aren’t allowed to wear jeans.”

When the cartoons show stars spinning in a circle around the cats head?  That comes from real life!  I saw stars.  I knew it was going to be a long, long time before I saw home.  We need sustenance, we need dress pants, we need children’s Motrin, we need to go to a band concert at school.  Also, I need a quiet place to have a small, quick little nervous breakdown.  We proceed to the nearest Chinese food buffet, speed eat, go speed shopping for dress pants, drive like we’re running through hell in gasoline britches to the school in order to get there on time, sit through a heavenly performance that was truly worth all of the hurry, then return home almost exactly twelve……thaaat’s right, twelve hours after we left.

I’m exhausted again just telling you about it.  In the process of all that, I wore a bra for twelve solid hours!  Do you have any idea how horrifying that is for a true child of the sixties and seventies????  The only reason I even OWN one now is that people gave them to me after the fire.  I was never so glad to get loose in my life! 

So, next time I leave the house for just a few minutes, I’m packing a survival kit.  It will include a good book, some of my favorite snacks, bottled water, help signs, a portable bed, some nice comfy jammies, my house, a coffee pot, my TV, a pillow, a blanket, my cell phone all charged up, my puppies, my fridge, the laundry, the washer and dryer, my computer, my favorite chair, My Dearest Husband, my mommie Rocky, Buddha, Bella, and some big fat fluffy socks.  I’m sure I forgot something that I’ll really need but that will do for a start.

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New Additions To The Collection

December 11, 2007

We have now added one new human and one new puppy to our collection of beings that we live with.  Our zoo gets bigger.  I’m totally happy about both additions. 

The first one you know about already.  It’s my mommy, Rocky.  <insert huge sappy grin here>  She seems to be settling in well and we’re having a great time burning up the roads and shopping and all that great stuff.  We have trashed a whole giant container of coffee so far this week and we’re making a whopping dent in the mail order coffee I’ve been storing up for months.  Honestly, I’m going to crash like a 747 eventually, but for the moment I’m having the time of my life!

The second addition is a bulldog/hound-dog mix.  It’s a big fat rolly polly little thing that is absolutely darlin to look at and it makes my uterous clench just to hold him.  He is satisfying all my maternal instincts at the moment.  I have to keep a minute by minute check on myself just to keep from going to get his two fat little sisters and bringing them home too.  That’s just what we need, two more dogs.  I’m fast becoming the crazy dog lady of the hill already. 

My Dearest Husband has declared this puppy HIS.  He named him Jeremiah Johnson.  Only MDH is allowed to feed and water him.  This is because the rest of us overwhelm all of the animals with our eternal presence and MDH is left out in the cold because he works at night and sleeps during the day.  This limits his ability to be around during the normal “playing with the animals” hours of the day.  Therefore, we are not allowed to associate with JJ unless it is in MDH’s presence. 

However, as I stated previously, MDH sleeps during the day. <insert evil grin here> That big fat rolly polly little baby needs things during the day sometimes!  I’m sure he does.  (looks all innocent and stuff)  He cries.  He’s a baby and he’s lonely.  If he doesn’t get some company he will fail to thrive.  This is not good.  Hence, for MDH’s sake and for the sake of MDH’s baby puppy, I make the huge sacrifice of spending a lil old bit of time with that fat baby for him.  I only do it because I love him.  I wouldn’t do that for just anyone!

His Highness The Buddha and Princess Bella have both gotten great grades on their report cards.  Or is it progress reports?  They send me too many grades home.  I can’t keep up with what is what.  And they feel compelled to change things too.  Used to be that you got letter grades.  A’s were good.  E’s were very bad.  Now S’s are good.  E’s can be good too.  Maybe E’s are bad, who knows?  All I know is that Princess Bella’s teacher was all smiles and all her grades were either S’s (I assumed from the smiles that these were good) and A’s.  And The Buddha’s name was in the newspaper for honor roll so I also assume that his grades were good, although I have no earthly idea how in hell he does it. 

I feel a party coming on.  Not for any reason really, just because I want one.  I think this one will be a hill party.  We have lots of kids up here now.  And my mommy is here to help me get it all ready.  

And OMG……I found two, count em, two grey hairs in my head!  They were really pretty ones.  Not all dirty grey, but white grey.  I kinda like em.  I liked them so much when I found them that I pulled them out and saved them in an envelope for all time.  I think I will leave the replacements there when they grow back in.  I’m fifty years old now, after all.  I guess it’s time for my hair to start getting a little grey in it. 

Once it goes good and grey, I’ll go ahead and lose some weight because I won’t need the fat to fluff out those pesky wrinkles around my eyes anymore.  And I’ll stop wearing my hair in a pony tail too.  It was time to stop doing that anyway.  I only did it because it pulled the wrinkles out of my face and I had so many of them that I was almost wearing my face in a pony tail with just a little bit of hair hanging of the bottom of it!  THAT was just getting creepy.

However, I have started to think that maybe I need to start wearing my rear end in pigtails. 

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November 30, 2007

 So, here’s the really awesome news: My mom is moving from Florida to North Carolina to live with me!  How totally awesome is that?  For the first time in my adult life I get to have my mother near me.  I can’t wait.  It has long been a dream of ours to be able to sit together in the mornings and drink coffee, talk about something or nothing, and just spend time together.  Now, at long last, our dream is coming true. 

For the time being she will be living in the house with us.  We will spend some time roaming the countryside looking for just the right place for her to move onto our property.  Then she will have her own place but still be with me!  I’m giddy with excitement. 

And…..another way cool thing is that both  of my brothers will be bringing her up, as well as my nephew, Spidey, who I dearly LOVE but didn’t get to see during the party in September.  I’m all wiggly with anticipation.  I have to tune up my guitar, round up all the neighborhood dogs, and get into Mayberry mode.  Porkchop loves that Mayberry feeling and I love making my brother happy.   

What I won’t like is watching them ride away down that rode.  I miss them terribly when they go.  It’s like a vital part of me goes with them and I find it hard to wake up completely when they aren’t near me.  They remind me of who I am, which is something that escapes me more and more these days.  I need the reminder.

I’m hoping that one day soon my brother Pony will come up as well.  He’s an independent spirit and I won’t push it, but it would be wonderful to have him here.  He has a bit of the gypsy in his soul so it’s hard to say if he would do it or not, but he likes the ideaand that says alot. 

 

I can feel the relief already.  Welcome to the Hill, Momma!

I’ll have the coffee on.

 

P.S.  You’ll get to see how your hands are doing on the end of my arms!  But you can’t have them back!  I need them!

 

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And After I Regained Consciousness……..

November 29, 2007

Wednesday evening is Kid Nation night.  We try to watch that without fail.  It’s a good show that we can watch together as a family and the kids love to see other kids running a town on their own.  It’s a chance to hear how our children feel about what is being done in Bonanza City, what they would do differently, how they would handle different situations, and generally get inside their heads without having to ask all those pesky questions that seem to discombobulate them so badly.

During one commercial break there was a promo for the movie “The Golden Compass.”  I was telling My Dearest Husband that I had recently gotten an email stating the opinion that in this movie they were trying to kill God.  Princess Bella pops up with the following reply, “That’s stupid!  God’s already dead!  They can’t kill him if he’s already dead!  DUH!”

My head was swimming.  I got slightly dizzy with all the thoughts, fears, assumptions, and questions that were simultaneously vying for attention.  My delightfully reasonable reply to her statement was “Say what?”

“Oh yes!  You see when people start talking about God, I start listening!  I stop wiggling around, sit still with my hands in my lap and listen real careful when they start talking about God.”  I’m still waiting to hear the part where He’s dead.  It isn’t coming clear to me yet so, against my better judgement, I have to ask.  “Bella, what makes you think God is dead?”

(Long suffering sigh accompanied by rolling of the eyes)  “Because he is in Heaven.  You can’t get into Heaven unless you’re dead.  I heard this in church because I listen.  I pay attention.  Maybe if you went to church more and paid more attention YOU would know that God was already dead too, Gammie.”

I was at a total loss for words.  Her logic was stunning.  It didn’t faze her one bit to think that God was dead.  The fact that a dead God was in Heaven with all her dead loved ones, just waiting on her to get there one day was comforting for her.  It made perfect sense to her.

I’m sure we’ll discuss this more at a later date.  She will not suffer my ignorance for long.  In the meantime, I’ll have to talk to some of my friends with ministerial credentials, do some research,  knock back a few beers, and generally prepare myself for it.  Because to be completely honest with you, I’m not really sure I’m up for the task.  She might just take me down. 

In the realm that God inhabits, is there any difference between life and death?  For God they could just be a state of mind.  They could be different levels of thought, or place, or feeling.  Who knows?  I feel like I’m going into a battle of wits totally unarmed.  Maybe……..if she brings the subject up again I’ll just point up into the sky and shout, “LOOK!  It’s a flock of turtles!”  Then run away. 

That might work, right?

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Thoughts – November 19, 2007

November 19, 2007

Kids are so much more fun if the television is off.

Dogs are hilarious.  Probably because they don’t care if you see them licking their booty.  Dee Dee’s new trick is to chase Jackal and try to bite his “boys” while he’s running away.  I try to imagine Princess Bella doing this to His Highness The Buddha.  It cracks me up every time! 

It’s never good when I have too much time on my hands.

Every once in a while, it’s good to have ice cream for breakfast.

The kids and I go out to eat every so often.  It’s not a regular thing because I like to cook at home.  Fast food isn’t usually my thing, and besides, it’s special when we dogo out.  We always make a big deal about who’s turn it is to pick the place where we eat.  They keep track of who gets to pick the joint we’re eating at.  They like Mac’s and that insane Burger king dude.  I like places where they have real food and no slides.  So we usually compromise and go where they have overly colorful cartoon characters and playground equipment.  *sigh*  Well, you guessed it, tonight was my turn to choose.  🙂  And I wanted real food.  So of course we have our usual “Whine and Please” session. 

THEM:Pleeeeeease let’s go to McDonaldddddddds

ME:Nope!  My turn to pick and I pick NOT MacFood.

THEM:Pleeeeeease let’s go to McDonaldddddddds

ME:I Mac Don’t want to Mac go to Macs!  Besides, we can’t go there anyway. 

THEM:(huge surprised faces) why not?

ME:Because, Ronnie Mac got arrested.

THEM: But………Why?

ME: The fashion po po got him for wearing that awful crap he always has on.

THEM: YOU LIE!  You just don’t wanna go to McDonald’s!

ME: I can prove it!

THEM:Can not!

ME: Can too!

THEM: Prove it then!

And so I did.

macbusted.jpg
And so I happily took myself and two very subdued children to a sit down restaurant to have a very nice and civilized dinner tonight.  It didn’t hurt that when we passed McDonald’s they had it shut down for remodeling.  Had the yellow tape around the dining area.  Only the drive-thru was open.  (insert huge smart ass grin here)  Sometimes………it’s MY turn to pick the place!

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Autumn

November 19, 2007

imgp4651.jpgimgp4646.jpg          

I love autumn.  I think the entire rest of the year is worth living through just to get to autumn.  The colors in North Carolina this year are absolutely gorgeous.  They seemed to be late in coming.  We weren’t even sure if the leaves were going to turn at all this year.  But when they went, they went with flair!

My favorite is a bright red in the leaves with just a hint of orange.  I love to see this set against a daytime stormy gray sky.  I prefer to have the sun shining on the tree from one direction, and the clouds coming from the other.  It’s an image that is beauty incarnate to me. 

Sugar Maples are absolutely astonishing this year.  They look as if they have a light coming from within.  If you see them just when evening begins you almost believe that they will light up the night with their light. 

I have seen trees this year with leaves changing in a wave starting on the northern side of the tree and going towards the south.  The northern side of the tree has red leaves, changing to orange, yellowish orange, yellow, and to the southernmost side of the the tree, the leaves were still green!  I’ve never seen that before in my life!

The soft misty morning light on them is softly beautiful and makes you want to get up in the morning just to look at them.  The light changes them all day long.  They are stunning in the strong afternoon sun.  And as the afternoon sun relaxes into the evening sky, the colors relax along with it and they are soothing. 

Every day brings new colors to see, new light to see them in, new feelings to feel from them.  Soon will come the smell of those same leaves burning.  That is the quintessential smell of autumn to me.  (If I can keep from associating it with the fire, that is)  I have loved that smell all of my life.  It speaks to me of cool evenings, and beautiful sunsets, and changing times. 

Winter is not far off when you are surrounded by autumn’s beauty.  It’s time to get ready for it.  There are things to do and autumn is kind enough to give you wonderful weather to do them in, as well as the most gorgeous surroundings possible in which to do them.

I love autumn.

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Birthdays

November 17, 2007

Today is My Dearest Husband’s birthday as well as our oldest daughter Birdie’s birthday.  Thaaaat’s right.  They share a birthday.  

MDH is the big 40.  To him it’s a big deal.  To me it’s old hat.  He’s still just a chap to me.  40 was sooo last decade!  😉

Birdie is 32.  Wow!  THAT was a long time ago.  *sigh*  I remember being that young.  My body still worked without protest.  My brain still worked without protest.  It was great!  I had no idea at the time that I was imbued with so much raw power.  I wish I had. 

Birdie has come home from a land exactly different, far far away.  It’s really very very nice to have her home.  To see her on her birthday again is awesome.  To look into those baby blues again on the anniversary of one of the happiest days of my life is confirming. 

I wish them both everything they need.  I wish them both just enough challenges to make the successes tasty and worthwhile.  I wish them both just enough toil to make the pie days feel great.  I wish them both just enough hunger to make the food taste really good.  And I wish them both endless love.

I am incredibly happy they were both born.  I will celebrate this day forever because it symbolizes two of the greatest contributors to my happiness.

I love you both with all my heart.  Happy Birthday!

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Random Thoughts – November 13, 2007

November 13, 2007

What is UP with all these young female teachers having sex with their extremely young male students?  Okay, that’s not really the question.  What is up with them deciding that after they do it, they have to be all in love and shit and running off getting pregnant and all that crap?  I mean criminy!  Get over yourself!  Those boys just wanted some poontang!  The girls their age weren’t puttin out.  You were.  Yours isn’t any better than any other one.  It looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise just like all the rest of em.  Don’t try to convince the kid that gettin nookie means he’s all in love with you and has to carry on some kind of life long love affair.  Better yet, just leave those little boys alone, bypass the middle man and go sign yourself up at the sex offenders registry.  Then go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go and do not collect $200.

Princess Bella makes the BEST deviled eggs this side of the Mississippi River.  Hands Down.

My Dearest Husband is a hunka hunka burnin luv!  Hands Down.

His Highness The Buddha is the a closet sweetheart with a heart of gold.  No Doubt about it.

(I’m setting you all up for my Thanksgiving blog.)

The housecleaning fairy came to my house the other night while I was asleep and cleaned up!  I was astonished!  I was stunned.  I was pleased as punch!  The housecleaning fairy beats the tooth-fairy ten to one.

Question – When you get old, does the tooth fairy come to visit you when your teeth start to fall out again?  I ask this because I just turned fifty and I have started to get all the AARP junk mail in earnest.  I have to plan for my future and if I’m going to be visited by the tooth fairy, I can count that as part of my savings! 🙂

Getting older sucks a big green weenie.

The bad news:  A two year old girl went missing today in NC while playing with her family dogs out in their yard.  Law enforcement was called in and searchers went out and searched for her for hours.  The good news:  She was found about a half mile from her home, unharmed, unabducted, and basically unscathed.  She had simply wandered off and gotten lost in the woods.  How cool is it that there was good news at the end of this?  And how sad that yall won’t get to see it plastered all over the national news tonight.  So, I’ll give you the good news.  They are a happy loving family who were terrified by the thought that their little one was missing.  They did all the right things and in this case they got their little girl back safe and sound.  So here’s one up high for the searchers, law enforcement, the family and all the concerned citizens in this case and all the other ones that turned out right but that we never get to hear about.  Sometimes we need to hear the good news.

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Veteran’s Day and Survivor’s Guilt

November 9, 2007

I just got back from reading (not near enough and I’ll go back until I’ve read it all) The Homeless Veteran’s Survival Guide.(Click on the link on the right) Wow.  I’m speechless  typeless.  But it got me thinking about all of the veterans I know.  And with it being almost Veteran’s Day, of course, you know me, I have some things I’ve thought about and I’ll tell it to you now.

I’ve never known a veteran who didn’t have survivor’s guilt.  And I’ve never understood it.  Because I’ve never known a veteran that wasn’t an amazing person, so it always surprises me that they could wonder why they are alive. 

What would we do without the survivors?  Who could tell us what it was like where they were?  Who else could tell us the stories that need to be told?  The good ones as well as the bad ones?  All stories have a place.  All stories need to be told.  Our veterans have precious stories that only they can tell.  They are the owner’s of the last moments of the fallen.  I don’t just mean the moments that took their lives, but all the times in between when they were last home and their deaths.

The surviving veterans are the only people who can make human beings out of the untouchable heros the fallen become.  Please don’t think I mean they shouldn’t be seen as heros, because I know they ARE heros.  But they were also real people with all the quirks and mannerisms that real people have.  The survivors are the only ones who can put that back into our family for us.

And if we didn’t have the survivors, who would let us know the kind of people our family would have been if they had lived?  We need to know that they would have been real people, all different kinds of real people.  Someone we could touch, feel, love, get angry at, talk to on the phone, forgive, you know?  The survivors are the ones that let us know that the fallen were not some unattainable godlike beings, but real human people.  Fathers, Mothers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives and cousins and friends. 

My Dearest Husband’s father died in Vietnam when MDH was three years old.  He has very few memories of his own.  Of course all of the stories of his father are epic in proportion, as they should be.  But the vets let him see the kind of man his father would have been if he had lived.  He told me one time that he wouldn’t wish that one single vet was in his father’s place.  He is THAT much his father’s son.  The survivors are a comfort to him.  They give freely to him their memories of his father and his fathers time and place. 

NO ONE could do that but a survivor.  So where does the guilt come from?  We need you!  It’s a painful job, but you were chosen to be the ones who represent the fallen.  And in my own opinion, you are all doing a damn fine job!  Only a hero could do what you have done for those of us left behind.  You guys got the hard part. 

TO ALL THE VETERANS :  THANK YOU FOR SERVING OUR COUNTRY.  THANK YOU FOR SURVIVING.  THANK YOU FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE.  THANK YOU FOR COMING HOME TO BE WHO WE NEED AND FOR REPRESENTING WHO OUR LOVED ONES WOULD HAVE BEEN IF THEY HAD COME HOME. THANK YOU FOR THE STORIES, FOR THE HUMANITY, AND FOR THE WONDERFUL JOB YOU DO BEING YOU.  FOR ONE DAY, FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE, LET YOURSELF BE HAPPY THAT YOU SURVIVED SO THAT YOU COULD BE OUR HEROS.

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